me and my new bangs hit the town early today,
taking (yet another) new route and
finding some sense of self along the way.
seems trite and easy (to remedy), the ways of my world, to me and possibly to you as well, but mornings like this morning help me to realize that not only am i important to myself (an oddly constructed phrase) but also to others. as many times as people tell you that you're important, that you are deserving, that you are someone to love, it can often take only one or two remarks of the opposing side of that argument to knock someones self off the shelf. my self has been off its shelf for months, sadly, maybe even years. but glimmers of hope come from moments like the ones that filled this morning.
as i watched Nugent sleep atop my laptop computer, case closed but still emitting warmth, i focused on his sweetly smiling face, his tightly shut eyes, the slight rise and drastic fall of his belly and breath, his comfort and confidence in his surrounds and consequentially in me. this threw me into a frenzy of thoughts of my future, my future family, not what they'll look like or who they will be but what it'll be like to see a belly rise and fall, to see a sweetly smiling face with tightly shut eyes, comfortable and confident in me, all these things familiar and familial.
love at sight, first and last.
then i thought: my folks, they've got it together. they might drive one another nutty, sometimes batty other times, down right crazy at best, but they've got kids, grandkids, friends and family who adore and cherish their every move. lucky for me, i get to hold that adoration daily in my hands and my heart. someday, i want my little ones to feel that for me; but first and foremost, i've got to get it together, too.
life. my life. my health. my happiness. my mind. my self. these things need to be aligned in some forethought, with respect to my past and present. someday i'll have a lovely family, children for sure, whether i bore them or not, i'll have a house full of precious little people whose bellies i can watch rise and fall in comfort of slumber and confidence in me. someday i'll have someone who drives me nutty, batty and crazy; who i'll love and who'll love me, exactly how we need it although not necessarily how we want it.
i left the house in a bit of a frenzy, running out the door in purple and black, bangs and curls, blond and black, hitting this town that, for a few wonderful hours today, gets to sit in the sun today. as i walked on my new path into town, i had a destination in mind but once i got to a street corner full of awkward fools, i took a turn down a hill and into a mindset of fight or flight. lucky for me, and the fools on the corner, they were off to the bar and i was off to breakfast with my book.
it amazes me that a Steinbeck novel can inspire introspection beyond anything biblical; as i walked, now far from my intended destination, i ended up at a little cafe with really awesome heaters, stellar coffee and insanely good hollandaise sauce (which, to those who know me, is KEY to a happy breakfast). outside was a beautiful bicycle, making me miss mine (which has been in injured retirement since june, although, with this many random days of sunshine that could be used to cruise, it may have a triumphant return from retirement sooner than later) and inside was a familiar face.
i'm going to let that sink in - familiar face. in olympia? crazy but true!
once, when sick like a dog and lost in a part of town i'd never seen before, i met a girl (clean, nice, friendly), Amy, who too was lost and who too was lost due to an unjustifiably altered bus route. questioning our own judgement lasted for a very short time and we both ended up on the phone with customer service, complaining that we had gotten on a bus that took an alternate route and had dropped us off 6 miles from our destinations (which happened to be very near one another) and as we both overheard the other's conversation, a kind bald man pulled up in a city truck and told us that all the routes were running 1.5 hours behind, that no, he was not joking and that if we wanted, he could take three of us to town. we both offered for the elderly people to board with this bald man but as every one of them turned him down, we smiled at one another and hopped into his extremely warm truck. after a little way, we discovered that we commute to Shelton on the same bus, i, however, take the early bus and she takes the 9am; the return trip was just the opposite.
the relief of knowing that someone who isn't a Vietnam Vet also rides the #6 brought us both to laughter. she was let off not 4 blocks from my stop and until this morning, we haven't seen one another since.
she immediately recognized me, and i her, and we began that funny chatter that happens with coincidences. it felt really good to be recognized. and happily so. i ordered a killer omelet with blue cheese, bacon and granny smiths with a side of fried tomatoes, sat and read some more of my Steinbeck and felt genuinely happy, content and warm, inside and out; for the first time, i felt like this city and i, we might work out. me, my self on the right shelf, and Nugent