seek and find

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

two years ago, today, tomorrow...

just over two years ago, i was involved in an absurd, painful & sad event, dampened further by my severe weight loss, illness & fatigue. just over two years ago, something happened to me that would change my outlook on life, many times over, only to bring me to today, two years later.

today i am healthy. today i am healing. today i am grateful. today i am better.

tomorrow, i hope to be healthier still, a bit more healed, a bit more grateful, a bit better, too.
in my near future, i hope to have the chance to thank those who deserve it: my parents, Ryan, my brother and siblings, my friends, my frenemies, my teachers, my books, my coworkers, my pets, my pets, my pets.

two years ago, my life changed & although i didn't know it then & i wouldn't believe you if you said it yesterday, it changed for the better.
for my better.
i am grateful.

Monday, March 7, 2011

come fly with me, lets fly! lets fly away

courtesy of

waking up to the hallow & hollow calls of seagulls can make for a wonderful morning... without mourning.

as my job gets better & better, my social life begins to blossom, my kitten gains independence whilst still demanding to sleep under the covers, my book finds its rightful place in my daily list of to'dos, my running shoes wear thinner & thinner, my kitchen finds itself clean & clear of clutter.

my life - from the outside -
seems to be finding a balance -

i know better, though. i know now that what i thought i wanted - what i demanded from so many is, in fact, a personal lesson in patience.

courtesy of

as some of you know & others have gathered from this weblog: i am awesome at persistence but i lack the gumption for patience. it seems as though it is coming to me, slowly. the tact & forethought to allow patience & persistence to make their moves while i make mine & eventually fly me to that place in the hills where we watch the moon & stars & meteors while the dogs run about & the children sleep soundly.

patience & persistence: a dynamic duo i'm corralling.
~ i promise.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

in light of the darkness

as i get further and further away from my issues related to Peace Corps [namely my issues related to PTSD],  the closer i find myself being able to handle the memories, both good and bad, untainted by the shock, by the pain, by the tug of remorse.

as i get more and more emails from soon-to-be Peace Corps Volunteers, who find my blog, my name, on a some website, the more i look into the events of the past, the events leading up to those events and everything in between.

            the breakups. the breakdowns. the broken bones and broken memories. shattered by distraught Nigerians, by poor bus drivers, by women anticipating forgiveness whilst grappling with remorse, by people pushing for changes in a changeless circumstance. the good, the bad, the glorious, the horrific.
with these inquiries, which range from questions specific to my experiences to those more general to life in Peace Corps itself, i find myself being forced further and further into the depths of some of my darkest nights. both the beautiful, magical, loving dark nights, like the night of the meteor shower that lit up a love life; mid December 2007, and dark, dreadful experiences of one solo night in early March 2009.

in light of the darkness revisited - thanks to those questioning my experiences in Mali, as a PCV, as an engaged female in West Africa, as a believer in the spirit but not in the action of the Peace Corps - i’ve found myself sitting on a lot of well documented, tragic and terrific experiences and information. also, i’ve found myself more inclined to justify what’s happened since the attacks…
since my hope and my spark were beaten out of me,
since i lost the love of my life,
since i let some bullies run me around,
out of town, down down down.
since i let my life slip away…

i've been through a lot. some of the events of my recent past i don't even remember… until i go through my journal [and eventually to my blog wherein i can actually decipher the scratch that i call script] to rediscover the truth, the depth and the awe that was.
i am forever grateful to those who’ve been with me [and against me] along this path, for it is because of those and my reaction to their efforts, for good or evil, that i am who i am today and who i will become tomorrow.

sitting on this mound of emotion, of photography, of memory, of righteous pain and prospect, i find myself seeking those i’ve lost. Dabi. Ryan. Fisher. Tati. Skittles. Wurdia.
to name a few. in light of the darkness of loss there is a lesson; i hope my lessons show their light soon. i hope dampened sparks are reignited; i hope forgiveness and compassion and laughter and love come back to my life.

i hope i quit having these thoughts and conversations and revelations by myself.