seek and find

Monday, May 30, 2011

there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, otherwise, its just a hole

Saul Schalit in Salida, CO

for the love of

in a previous post i lightly addressed the sad fact that my sweet friends, Wendy & Chris Walters, lost their newborn babygirl, Lila Jane Walters, unexpectedly. she was only about a month old and had already made a lovely, warm and sweet impact on their little family. the news of this tragedy came to me while sitting, lonely and sad to be leaving colorado, at the denver airport, loathing the lonesomeness, the illogicality of it all, and truly questioning my decision to leave salida, leave colorado, once again. having had a phenomenal trip home, some time to catch up with my former and with many of my dearest friends, made me truly wonder - what i am doing with my self? alas, i sat in the airport, weeping, making fellow travelers uncomfortable and yet encouraging them to express openly their support for a fellow being. touching my shoulder gently, wordlessly sitting nearby just for the warmth of spirit. two little birds came and perched by me, too. actual little birds. that was pleasant and comforting. i was able to spend some quality time on skype with my best friend, residing in europe, staying up late so as to help me conquer the panic attack that was overwhelming me {unassisted with meds which were, comfortably en route to seattle}... 
anyway, just like those strangers and those strange birds, giving a little time, a little effort, or even just a sincere smile can truly and genuinely change a persons life. even if just for a moment. 
in LilaJane Walters' honor and in support of Wendy, Chris and Devin (their toddling son), the following community support systems have been set up. i figured i'd pass this along and encourage you to write, to donate, to support. whether you're in salida, in colorado, or a complete stranger, these are simple ways to help someone find a reason to smile. 

{if you do, indeed, participate and to avoid creeping anyone out, it would probably be best if you noted that you found this information via Sydney} 

An account has been set up
Lila Jane Walters
Bank of the West 
146 G St Salida 81201

Community Sale June 5th at 1112 F Street at 10:00am. 

If you can cook please sign up @
Last name: Walters
Password: Lilajane

A card, flowers, or something for Devin (boy, age 2) can be sent to their home 
348 Poncha Blvd.
Salida, CO 81201

remember, a smile, sincere eye contact, even just a bright flower, can truly change a person's day. imagine what we can do for a family in mouring, with a note, a floral arrangement, a smile... 

a hermits life for me

as i test the waters of the dating world i find myself pulling back, further and further, into my shell; sleeping longer hours; eating less; enjoying Nugent more; finding solace in books and writings than in the company of others; especially strangers. 

i figure if the best face i can put on is one mustered with (even just slight) intoxication, i should maybe hold off for awhile longer. 

the wounds are too fresh; the scars still visible; the warmth still there. although i know my ex has and/or is trying to move on, i guess i'm just not ready yet. and that is just fine with me. i'm happy for him, for Fisher, for what is next in his life. i hope its full of good things; less drama; more sun and smiles and a lot less of the Crazy. i hope that, too, for his new ladyfriend. sincerely. 
oh yea, and dating in the rain is the pits! 
thanks Olympia for keeping me snug as a hermitty bug in my precious, warm, dry and kitten-friendly home. 

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Texas Texas, Yee Haw
i met a fellow Texpatriate last night after spending some quality time with a few other southerners this past weekend & realized how thoroughly i miss Texas, Texans & the largess therein... 

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

i whip my hair back, but never forth... that is just asking for trouble

there are friends and then there are loved ones. its a fine line in my world; a line that gets hopped and scotched and botched and respected - it depends on the weather, and whether or not, it nearly always ends in tears.
happy tears, sad tears, remorseful tears, joyful tears.

in the past 72 hours i've been reminded, many times over, just how much i am loved and, more importantly, how much i love.
that i'm selfish: still trying to grow into my 26 year old skin, still trying to maintain my priorities, to not step on toes, to keep smiling as much as possible and to make myself a better person. my friends, my loved ones, my family, they've shown me great things this weekend. including the fact that, whenever, where ever, how ever, if you love and you are loved , you are indeed alive.
looking forward.

i was given a piece of chalk; a piece of white/grey chalk, that only i and my little friend Fisher received, that is to remind me to own my intentions, to make my decisions, to own my days and to be my best. the piece of chalk was bestowed upon me to assist me in my journey through the "dark forest" {oly-based-hippie talk for "your late twenties"} - where self reflection, self inspection abound; where selfless and selfish are arguably interchangeable.

i was given an investment into my photographic future.
i was given a book of correspondence, of beautiful, artful attempts to further ignite passion through prose, poetry and profound colors.
i was given an antique painting of a little girl being bucked from a bronco; it was given with a smile, a wink and a proud hug - "i'm glad you're back in the saddle, Syd."
i was given handmade feather earrings, hugs, cupcakes, smiles, sweetness.

i was given some tragic news, halting all the goodness and happiness: the death of an infant, of an innocent. the notion of it takes your breath away, the knowing of it takes your heart more than a moment to recover. the reality of it takes... well, forever to comprehend, to ingest, to realize.
my heart aches, breaks, for you my friends the Walters, and everyone else submerged in sadness over the loss of this lovely little lady. my hands are open to you, to yours, and will always be for you. 

to my sweet and lovely friends and family in Colorado, thank you for the sunny homecoming, the warm smiles and welcoming hugs; for the alley-way talks and the long-overdue looks. some interactions overshadowed others, some were under-appreciated and others still, overzealous, but, and i say this with complete confidence: i would not have changed or exchanged one interaction for another.

Sunday, May 15, 2011


- hello all friends, family and formers -

today i turn twenty-six. 
today i enter my late twenties. 
today the rain is torrential 
and the friends are plentiful 
and freedom is mine. 
all mine.

thank you all for putting up with me, for loving me, for openly caring for a stranger, 
for adoring a strange version of myself.