seek and find

Sunday, December 12, 2010

the mud always settles in the water. it just takes time.

as lovely as it is to be healing from home, warm and cozy in the comfort of my parents company in Salida, Colorado, embracing the sunniest winter in history, enjoying the delights of home (food, laundry, kitten-puppy bromance, sleeping in, napping hard, always clean and nice and lovely) and the embrace of sweet Salida friends, there is still a very raw, broken heart that lingers these hills... two of them, actually.

one belongs to me
the other, to Ryan.

there is a fresh life out there in the world, waiting for me... or so i'm told. its hard, though, to give up on this one. to let go of the love, of the distress, of the fairytale first half and the tragically flawed second. how hard we tried. how hard we try...

it isn't to say that the waters between Ryan and i are irrevocably muddied, but more, that we're both hoping that with the (slow, painful, arduous, seemingly impossible) process of mending our broken hearts, calmness, not calamity, will aide us in our paths.

i want, so dearly, to talk with, to sit with, to be near, to see Ryan. but, to be as unlike that thorn that grew so cooly, so invasively, so wickedly from the rosebush that was our life, i am dedicated to respecting his privacy, respecting his state, respecting his (situational) wishes.

the healing of a broken heart, of a broken spirit, undoubtedly takes time, effort and a gross overdose of positively purposeful living. i know he and i will one day be true and dear friends. but until then, we must maintain our singular selves and all that is linked therein, so that when we do come to that sunny place in our future, we'll both be better, to each other and most importantly, to ourselves.

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