seek and find

Monday, January 5, 2009

wisdom comes from before, not after

my parents, for those of you who are lucky enough to know them or know me well enough to have heard about them, are
people who deserve better than they've been given, better than they know, better than anyone can provide, and yet,
even after knowing this, or at least hearing this, they are humble and perfect.

they have both always had something to say, over and over, throughout my life, and Skylar's too, that was at one time
terribly annoying, more due to our lack of age or mental capacity rather than their inablitity to connect. my mom and
i have been in love with the moon, its ability to trap and throw light around as easy as a wink, its presence in songs
and plays and moments of great joy and sorrow. she and i have always giggled uncontrolably, and those tears of hilarity,
whether spurred by sadness or humor, were always true and in a way our way of holding tightly or sharing deeply the
same light as the moon. our connection, although at times has been questioned, has never faultered.
my dad has always ended every conversation with "make good decisions" and although i haven't always, those words have
always been there, guiding me through rough spots, situations in which i could make a simple bad decision and change
the course of life forever.

something that i used to resent but only now understand was this saying from my dad,
"it doesn't matter how your friends feel about you but how you feel about them"; i actually used to take great grief
from this conversation and especially this remark because it made me feel as if he knew something about the girls i was
trying to befriend. like maybe they had pulled him aside, explained why they didn't like me, and he was trying to let
me down early. worse, maybe in his past he was the kid who didn't want to befriend the character i am and knew how
badly one could get hurt from those situations and relationships.

alas, what i didn't know then was this : it is now and has always been the absolute truth, i just needed to find some
one who i cared more truly about and deeply for rather than someone i wished felt the same.

this may be a bit confusing, but let me clear it up - what i see and hear from my parents, my wonderful, insightful,
thoughtful parents, Bob and Mohanta, now is no different than it was when i was 10 or 16 or 20, its just now i have
the time, energy and patience to hear them. to truly listen, digest their words and know, fully, their meanings.

my mom and i have the moon, to bounce our smiles off of and to wrap us in light whenvever the other is in dire need of
a hug only the other can fulfill. my dad and i have this one special bit of knowledge that is infinitely true: the love
you have for that one other person makes the love, or lack there of, for you completely unimportant because knowing,
living, owning that love for someone else makes you that much more complete, regardless of whether or not it is
reiterated or returned.

i got off the phone with them just now, exactly when i needed it most, a time when i couldn't bring myself to ask for
them and they were there, listening, learning, loving.
knowing that i'm suffering, that i'm enjoying, that i'm making it in africa, all by my self; a self that they made.
there is some romance hidden beneath this big african moon and the sand storms that swallow the blue hues of cloth
here, there is some
serious pride in country, in family, in history, in future when we are able to speak over a cell phone from the worlds
third poorest country. there is some doubt found in my tears and their comforts; all of us knowing that if i came home
tomorrow no questions would be asked and we'd all be that much stronger, we'd live that much fuller and we'd be that
much closer. but there is much unity, much humility and much love found in those same tears, those same airwaves, those
beams of light and words of infinite wisdome, because They are Bob and Mohanta Schalit and I am their daughter.

as previously stated, wisdom comes from the past, not the future... it just becomes more apparent later on in life, when
one has the time, patience and dear need for it.


Stewart said...

what a great, thoughtful post. Sydney it has been a while, but don't worry we haven't changed and it's good to see that you have remained the same wonderful person.

Kristen said...

i love and miss you dearly, syd. hope you're well and that 2009 is one of your greatest and happiest years yet.