there is a better

i've been having dreams of Ryan, sitting on porches, walking through woods, cooking in an unknown kitchen. i've even dreamt of sleeping beside him - that was the entirety of the dream. sleeping.

i had the infinite pleasure of chatting with him, with Cahill and with my brother today - a good day in any measure. three men who see a good in me that i don't know of. who see a beauty that isn't surface.

there is a better me somewhere in all of this heartache, heartbreak, soul shake. i hope when i find it, become it, evolve to it, there is someone there to love it.

i miss Ryan. i miss my best friend, Ryan. i can't believe that this is where i am, three years later, alone in a cold floored but warm aired apartment, sheltered from the insatiable rains of the pacific northwest, far from my sweet friends and no closer to my self. missing my parents, my happiness, my man.

regret fills me every morning and weighs my stomach down, making the already arduous task of waking up for an unfulfilling day that much more of a struggle. regret. Cahill noted today that without the things we regret, we'd never learn a damn thing. i really hate it when he is right.
sure, i could have just not gotten on that bus in bamako; i could have just been more patient with my medications; i could have handled everything differently; i should have started the painful relationship with Fisher's mother differently and simply gone on with my life, with or without her blessings;  i could have embraced my surroundings and enjoyed where i was when i was there; sure. but what else, Cahill so poignantly noted, would i have stubbornly plowed through? where would i be?


there is a better me.

hey fool. have you seen heaven? it's down there, somewhere.

a day in the awfus

http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/cat-vs-printer-translated

take silence and respect it:

take the time to sit, listen and own this.

an uphill battle...worthy nonetheless

tips from someone currently in the foxhole:

• make your bed. always. always. it gives you, first thing, a sense of purpose: tidiness. simple, plain, but effective.
• sweat, by choice every single day, especially those days where you're so low you can barely get out of bed. stay in bed, and do situps, or lie on your side and do leg lifts. before you know it, you're stretching and relief will warm you like your sheets.
• smile. force it. you'll feel so foolish and stupid, you'll start laughing at yourself. voila! success. (thanks, Daddy)
• stay warm. drink tea (i recommend Traditional Medicinals Good Mood - with St. John's Wart with Irish or Earl Grey tea, for the caffeine). eat spicy peppers in everything (cayanne goes great in cereal and hot cocoa, so don't act like spice doesn't go with everything... it does)
• sunshine: fake it, take it. tanning beds could possibly be the worst things ever - when they are abused. i go to a tanning bed once a week for 5 minutes... just for the sunshine of it. i also take a huge vitamin D supplement, since i live in a state of cloudiness and mist (Washington).
• leave your house. go for a walk, even if just around the block or to the library. always leave your house with at least $5 - covers any bar's cheapest beer or any coffee houses biggest cup of joe.
• talk to someone, even if its yourself. verbilizing everything (to choice audiences, you don't want to be blazened with the woeful lable of and "over share'r"), this is where cats, best friends (who have the time to sit and listen... always double check), therapists, dogs, squirrels, paintings, come in handy. try it. once its out - its out and you can continue breathing.
• i tune in. music, listen to it, whether you like it or not, just get your brain focused on anything other than whats troubling you. don't know what you want to listen to? try NPR, pandora, deezer for interesting, new, out of your box musicians, noises and tunes.
• water your plants. just because, when they bloom, you feel indifference. but when they die - you weep.
• sweep (or suck). keep your floors clean, spotless if you can. being barefoot is good for everything in my opinon. and, well, my opinion matters. its also less disgusting when someone comes over, whether its a delivery man, a neighbor or a friend, you don't have to apologize for being a mess.
• always, always, get dressed. see above. also, just because.

if you have any tips to share with someone who phases in and out and in and out of this battle zone, please do share them here. thanks and, always, seatbelts.

voir la vie par la rose a coloré des lunettes

obviously, i need to work (majorly) on my French skills.
obviously.

by Rafael Aristy

all that aside...
sitting at my desk, in my elongated office, decorated with 10 years of Sensaria files, with my brand new heater at my back and my coffee pipping hot and sweetly sugared, my plant shimmering in the window,  listening to Louis Armstrong roar about La Vie en Rose, i came to the, albeit cliche and obvious, conclusion: it's all about how you look at it. curve balls are still pitches, you were always up to bat. right?

got smudges?
heartache?

clear you throat, clean your lenses, back up - breathe.
then get back on home plate and quit acting surprised.

i'll have what they had.