seek and find

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

its been a big year

today, 14 april 2010, was the last day of my TB treatment. which extends to be the last day of my tremors, my dizzy spells, my liver malfunctions, my skin breaking and bleeding without provocations, my eyes not functioning properly, my body kicking my brains in the ass, my hair dissipating, my body rejecting foods and hunger, my insane weight loss, my depression... or at least we hope.
in two weeks i'll have a surgery to correct the damage done a year and a month ago to my jaw. in three weeks i'll be home free. healing. wheeling. sunning. funning.

a year and a month ago i got engaged to an amazing man, the keeper of my heart, the boy who completed my soul. we had a happy, long and lovely engagement.

sadly, that ended, along with our relationship and parenthood (for me) two months ago now. tragically, triumphantly, we're trying, seperately, to piece together our lives. things have come through and fallen apart, as i can no longer speak for Ryan O'brien, its just been a big year. Fisher's mother made her mark, tragic and learned, Fisher made his mark, precious and lovely and Ryan, my darling Ryan, made his mark which will always keep a special place in my heart. i got the shit kicked out of me, weeks later i got engaged, weeks later i visited my parents in Normandy, then TB, then malaria, then home. a home that i felt distant from and an accessory to.

for the first 3 months i slept in a tent in my back yard. every night that i wasn't curled into Ryan i was snuggled into normalcy, walls translating winds, ground moving bits at a time, life always moving around your sleeping head. the TB treatment kicked my ass. hospitilzations insued. as well as complete nervous breakdowns. the TB and the PTSD (from the attack) coexisted in this crazy little world, i'd get shakes but not knowing if it was from the meds or the anxiety/depression issues. i'd sleep for 20 hours not knowing if it was from the meds or the anxiety/depression issues. i'd loose more weight not knowing if it was from the meds or the anxiety/depression issues.
i kept my head up, though. my head above water. barely, but nonetheless. unfortunately, Ryan and i as a unit couldn't and in mid February we, amicably and with everyone's best interest in mind, parted ways.

easier said than done. small towns don't suddenly enlargen for the sake of the broken hearted. they don't expand or expound. instead, they shrink and become bulbous with rumors and insanities.

i miss Ryan. i miss Fisher. but most importantly, right now, i miss Sydney. i'm on the right track, met some very good folks, been kicked around while down by those who'd take advantage of the advantageless, seen some beautiful people with beautiful stories and have consequently decided to leave this tiny Salida and salida my way up to the pacific northwest.

please don't ask me why, ask me when... that will force me to answer and then i'll know too.

for those of you who read this, i'm ready. i'm moving. i'm up and at'em. i've been down, believe me, but its time to be up, to be me again. i miss me. i think you might, too.

i'll keep in touch and keep you posted.

thanks for always reading the whole thing, for always trusting the truth and knowing i'm going big or going home.



Elizabeth said...

hey Syd! I just emailed you, and then stumbled across the update. I guess this means no Austin right now? At least come visit. Keep your head up! I LOVE YOU! and I know things will start looking up soon. You're amazing! And I know you'll find that happiness that once illuminated your smile.


atomsfurpeace said...

wow. suddenly had the urge to check your blog, and look what appears. well, i'll miss the visions i had of hanging out with you in the 'stream on the farm. (of course, if you are still here when i park it, you are welcome, welcome, welcome!).

but, i am so happy you're getting closer to making peace with all that's changed this past year... and taking time out to allow what's changed in you to find itself a home.

stay in touch, though, i feel like we're in a time when it's even more important than ever to learn from each other. the world's making a way for the only you it has!

stephanieB said...

You are strong and beautiful and continually blowing my mind. You are wind whips and new shoots. You are green growing goodness and you are delicious PBJs on a long uphill hike. You're just you, and you're doing amazing things. I am blessed to have you in my immediate world for just a little bit longer and my eventual world for a million years after that. You've climbed some bitchy metaphorical mountains love, but the summit has come. Enjoy the view from the top of your glorious strength and striving.

Megan said...

Go wherever you want, and I hope to meet up with you there, but please don't ever stop writing! While it pains me to know all you have been through, I have to say that at least it has happened to someone with the ability to process it with brutal honesty and express it in ways that really open people's tickers and tĂȘtes. Your accounts are sad and sometimes horrific, but beautiful and real in the way you tell them, and all the personal growth and gratitude they reveal. The world needs more of those kinds of words. Get better, know that you are loved and respected, and keep it comin'!