sweet & sloppy saul kisses

saul + sunshine + salida = slap.happy.sydney

binge & PURGE

Somehow, in two years, I have acquired an enormous amount of stuff. Really cute stuff, but stuff nonetheless: shabby chic furniture, beautiful dishes, unique frames, brilliant lamps, funky yet functional desks, a rad vehicle from the 1970s, clothes, linens, you name it, I've probably go it. And now, I'm selling it. All.

Everything but, of course, Nugent and the Peugeot.

It is raining and dreary outside, adding fuel to my packing-for-flight-fire. I'm headed south for the summer/fall/winter/ever and am very happy for it. Its times like these that I realize the true extent of my luck, of my blessings, of my awesome life, and find it hard to believe that not long ago I considered taking it. As you know, these last 3 years have been some of my worst. But, in those dark, dreary dreadful moments comes light. The warm light of family ties, of friendships, of distance and closeness, of the incalculable importance of feline/canine companions, of true love and loss; most importantly, of self. The years have been hard on me, but they've been harder still on others, and in my hard times I find the best thing to do is binge a little then purge a lot. I'm lucky to be able to do so.

I'm selling my beloved car, or, at least, I'm trying to. I'm selling my furniture, my clothes, some shoes, lots of stuff, and with everything thing that leaves these doors, I feel a little bit lighter. I could, in all honesty, pack my books, my cat, my bike and some radishes and be okay for a little while. Enough, surely, to get me through a few weeks in the sun. Then, of course, I'd start looking and smelling like these foolish beings I so loathe in Olympia, the white guys with dreadlocks, the hairy-legged ladies who refuse toothbrushes, too, the trustifarians who know what they've got and exploit it and those with little for their own high (unplucked and gross) brow memoirs that they'll surely be writing when they have 2.5 kids and refuse to hire any "illegals."

Oh how time changes us. I hope it continues to change me for the better. I've made some mistakes thus far, cut some ties I regret, been stubborn enough to allow bosses to harass and crazies to affect... alas, time changes us and right now is a great time for some change.

See you on the other side of the Rockies. I'm so ready to purge and head east!

bennie frank, preaching to the choir

'If you would be loved, love and be lovable.'
Benjamin Franklin

happy gals

i'm trying so hard, seemingly in vein, to stay chipper; 

the weather here on June 11th is cool, dreary and unfit for its sprightly season. 

stay sunny

although i do not miss the sweltering suffocating heat of the Texas summers, nor do i miss the exhaustive dry heat of the Sahel, i do miss the feeling of warmth wrapping my body, sweat forming on its own accord and none of my own, cold water having an alleviating purpose, the scent and feel of sunscreen, the touch of sun's delightful yet damaging rays, the golden glow of my sun kissed locks. 


i do miss being warm. 

hope your weekend blooms



a bouquet for you. from me.



there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, otherwise, its just a hole

Saul Schalit in Salida, CO

for the love of

in a previous post i lightly addressed the sad fact that my sweet friends, Wendy & Chris Walters, lost their newborn babygirl, Lila Jane Walters, unexpectedly. she was only about a month old and had already made a lovely, warm and sweet impact on their little family. the news of this tragedy came to me while sitting, lonely and sad to be leaving colorado, at the denver airport, loathing the lonesomeness, the illogicality of it all, and truly questioning my decision to leave salida, leave colorado, once again. having had a phenomenal trip home, some time to catch up with my former and with many of my dearest friends, made me truly wonder - what i am doing with my self? alas, i sat in the airport, weeping, making fellow travelers uncomfortable and yet encouraging them to express openly their support for a fellow being. touching my shoulder gently, wordlessly sitting nearby just for the warmth of spirit. two little birds came and perched by me, too. actual little birds. that was pleasant and comforting. i was able to spend some quality time on skype with my best friend, residing in europe, staying up late so as to help me conquer the panic attack that was overwhelming me {unassisted with meds which were, comfortably en route to seattle}... 

anyway, just like those strangers and those strange birds, giving a little time, a little effort, or even just a sincere smile can truly and genuinely change a persons life. even if just for a moment. 

in LilaJane Walters' honor and in support of Wendy, Chris and Devin (their toddling son), the following community support systems have been set up. i figured i'd pass this along and encourage you to write, to donate, to support. whether you're in salida, in colorado, or a complete stranger, these are simple ways to help someone find a reason to smile. 

{if you do, indeed, participate and to avoid creeping anyone out, it would probably be best if you noted that you found this information via Sydney} 

An account has been set up

Lila Jane Walters

Bank of the West 

146 G St Salida 81201

Fundraisers 

Community Sale June 5th at 1112 F Street at 10:00am. 

Meals

If you can cook please sign up @ www.takethemameal.com

Last name: Walters

Password: Lilajane

Contact

A card, flowers, or something for Devin (boy, age 2) can be sent to their home 

348 Poncha Blvd.

Salida, CO 81201

remember, a smile, sincere eye contact, even just a bright flower, can truly change a person's day. imagine what we can do for a family in mouring, with a note, a floral arrangement, a smile... 

a hermits life for me

as i test the waters of the dating world i find myself pulling back, further and further, into my shell; sleeping longer hours; eating less; enjoying Nugent more; finding solace in books and writings than in the company of others; especially strangers. 


i figure if the best face i can put on is one mustered with (even just slight) intoxication, i should maybe hold off for awhile longer. 


the wounds are too fresh; the scars still visible; the warmth still there. although i know my ex has and/or is trying to move on, i guess i'm just not ready yet. and that is just fine with me. i'm happy for him, for Fisher, for what is next in his life. i hope its full of good things; less drama; more sun and smiles and a lot less of the Crazy. i hope that, too, for his new ladyfriend. sincerely. 

c/o http://www.flickr.com/photos/vgunda/3715467750/

oh yea, and dating in the rain is the pits! 

thanks Olympia for keeping me snug as a hermitty bug in my precious, warm, dry and kitten-friendly home. 

i like people.

nice ones.

Texas Texas, Yee Haw

http://www.etsy.com/listing/64169491/i-heart-texas

i met a fellow Texpatriate last night after spending some quality time with a few other southerners this past weekend & realized how thoroughly i miss Texas, Texans & the largess therein... 

i whip my hair back, but never forth... that is just asking for trouble

there are friends and then there are loved ones. its a fine line in my world; a line that gets hopped and scotched and botched and respected - it depends on the weather, and whether or not, it nearly always ends in tears.

happy tears, sad tears, remorseful tears, joyful tears.

in the past 72 hours i've been reminded, many times over, just how much i am loved and, more importantly, how much i love.
that i'm selfish: still trying to grow into my 26 year old skin, still trying to maintain my priorities, to not step on toes, to keep smiling as much as possible and to make myself a better person. my friends, my loved ones, my family, they've shown me great things this weekend. including the fact that, whenever, where ever, how ever, if you love and you are loved , you are indeed alive.

alive. 

26. 

well. 

and 

looking forward.

i was given a piece of chalk; a piece of white/grey chalk, that only i and my little friend Fisher received, that is to remind me to own my intentions, to make my decisions, to own my days and to be my best. the piece of chalk was bestowed upon me to assist me in my journey through the "dark forest" {oly-based-hippie talk for "your late twenties"} - where self reflection, self inspection abound; where selfless and selfish are arguably interchangeable.


i was given an investment into my photographic future.
i was given a book of correspondence, of beautiful, artful attempts to further ignite passion through prose, poetry and profound colors.
i was given an antique painting of a little girl being bucked from a bronco; it was given with a smile, a wink and a proud hug - "i'm glad you're back in the saddle, Syd."
i was given handmade feather earrings, hugs, cupcakes, smiles, sweetness.

i was given some tragic news, halting all the goodness and happiness: the death of an infant, of an innocent. the notion of it takes your breath away, the knowing of it takes your heart more than a moment to recover. the reality of it takes... well, forever to comprehend, to ingest, to realize.

my heart aches, breaks, for you my friends the Walters, and everyone else submerged in sadness over the loss of this lovely little lady. my hands are open to you, to yours, and will always be for you. 

to my sweet and lovely friends and family in Colorado, thank you for the sunny homecoming, the warm smiles and welcoming hugs; for the alley-way talks and the long-overdue looks. some interactions overshadowed others, some were under-appreciated and others still, overzealous, but, and i say this with complete confidence: i would not have changed or exchanged one interaction for another.

twenty-six

- hello all friends, family and formers -

today i turn twenty-six. 

today i enter my late twenties. 

today the rain is torrential 

and the friends are plentiful 

and freedom is mine. 

all mine.

thank you all for putting up with me, for loving me, for openly caring for a stranger, 

for adoring a strange version of myself.

keep the South(erners) in mind today

keep the South in mind, today, as you complain about exes, overcooked burgers, scream at customer service agents and accidentally bleached trousers... hug your kids, your moms, your dads and friends a little bit longer today - do it for the South.

comin' up roses

so maybe everything isn't quite coming up roses, but it sure does seem to be headed in the right direction. although my night terrors have been much worse lately, causing some minor injuries {namely self made bruises, cuts and bloody noses, whilst deep in slumber}, they have made me aware of my progress on my path to PTSD recovery. 

thanks for the goodness, http://www.puglypixel.com/

here are a few of the things i've come to know to be true:

• whether i'm in a city, in the desert or in a small mountain town, i'm happiest when there is sunshine, smiles and loved ones nearby.
• that a good day of work, be it physical, mental or healing, can brighten any day and lighten any evening with that peculiar sense of accomplishment and joy.
• i've learned that what i want isn't necessarily anything different from what i had; its just that now i can see clearly and then i was looking, frantically, through a haze of anxiety, shame, pain, suffering, and loss. then, it seemed a poor fit. now i know that it was tailor made. {sigh}
• i've met some people that make me appreciate my time spent alone, spent with my cat, spent with my podcasts.
• i've met others that help me to realize that good folks are everywhere; patience and persistence with a reasonable sense of goodwill will always triumph.
• i know that everyone is on their own path, their own process and hopefully maintain the direction of progress. we all fall, though, and whether its in love or off the path, its always worth the time, effort and lessons learned.
• i know who i love, why i love them and how much it means to be able to freely, clearly and lovingly let them know.
• i know now that i have more patience than i ever knew; but that much of that patience is wrought with an insatiable persistence and stubbornness. 

there is so much more to be said but the sun just started shining here in Olympia and i if i don't go take advantage of it right now, it'll be gone!

ps: there are wild daffodils and tulips everywhere! i'll wear a raincoat to go see those, any day.

you know who you are & you know why this is sweet & awesome

via: http://t.co/hvAv4SU 

two years ago, today, tomorrow...

just over two years ago, i was involved in an absurd, painful & sad event, dampened further by my severe weight loss, illness & fatigue. just over two years ago, something happened to me that would change my outlook on life, many times over, only to bring me to today, two years later.

today i am healthy. today i am healing. today i am grateful. today i am better.

tomorrow, i hope to be healthier still, a bit more healed, a bit more grateful, a bit better, too.
in my near future, i hope to have the chance to thank those who deserve it: my parents, Ryan, my brother and siblings, my friends, my frenemies, my teachers, my books, my coworkers, my pets, my pets, my pets.



two years ago, my life changed & although i didn't know it then & i wouldn't believe you if you said it yesterday, it changed for the better.
for my better.
i am grateful.

come fly with me, lets fly! lets fly away

 

courtesy of

ModishVintage



waking up to the hallow & hollow calls of seagulls can make for a wonderful morning... without mourning.

as my job gets better & better, my social life begins to blossom, my kitten gains independence whilst still demanding to sleep under the covers, my book finds its rightful place in my daily list of to'dos, my running shoes wear thinner & thinner, my kitchen finds itself clean & clear of clutter.

my life - from the outside -
seems to be finding a balance -

  



i know better, though. i know now that what i thought i wanted - what i demanded from so many is, in fact, a personal lesson in patience.



courtesy of
ValeriaDalmon



as some of you know & others have gathered from this weblog: i am awesome at persistence but i lack the gumption for patience. it seems as though it is coming to me, slowly. the tact & forethought to allow patience & persistence to make their moves while i make mine & eventually fly me to that place in the hills where we watch the moon & stars & meteors while the dogs run about & the children sleep soundly.

patience & persistence: a dynamic duo i'm corralling.

~ i promise.



in light of the darkness

as i get further and further away from my issues related to Peace Corps [namely my issues related to PTSD],  the closer i find myself being able to handle the memories, both good and bad, untainted by the shock, by the pain, by the tug of remorse.

as i get more and more emails from soon-to-be Peace Corps Volunteers, who find my blog, my name, on a some website, the more i look into the events of the past, the events leading up to those events and everything in between.

            the breakups. the breakdowns. the broken bones and broken memories. shattered by distraught Nigerians, by poor bus drivers, by women anticipating forgiveness whilst grappling with remorse, by people pushing for changes in a changeless circumstance. the good, the bad, the glorious, the horrific.

with these inquiries, which range from questions specific to my experiences to those more general to life in Peace Corps itself, i find myself being forced further and further into the depths of some of my darkest nights. both the beautiful, magical, loving dark nights, like the night of the meteor shower that lit up a love life; mid December 2007, and dark, dreadful experiences of one solo night in early March 2009.

in light of the darkness revisited - thanks to those questioning my experiences in Mali, as a PCV, as an engaged female in West Africa, as a believer in the spirit but not in the action of the Peace Corps - i’ve found myself sitting on a lot of well documented, tragic and terrific experiences and information. also, i’ve found myself more inclined to justify what’s happened since the attacks…

since my hope and my spark were beaten out of me,

since i lost the love of my life,

since i let some bullies run me around,

out of town, down down down.

since i let my life slip away…

i've been through a lot. some of the events of my recent past i don't even remember… until i go through my journal [and eventually to my blog wherein i can actually decipher the scratch that i call script] to rediscover the truth, the depth and the awe that was.

i am forever grateful to those who’ve been with me [and against me] along this path, for it is because of those and my reaction to their efforts, for good or evil, that i am who i am today and who i will become tomorrow.

sitting on this mound of emotion, of photography, of memory, of righteous pain and prospect, i find myself seeking those i’ve lost. Dabi. Ryan. Fisher. Tati. Skittles. Wurdia.

to name a few. in light of the darkness of loss there is a lesson; i hope my lessons show their light soon. i hope dampened sparks are reignited; i hope forgiveness and compassion and laughter and love come back to my life.

i hope i quit having these thoughts and conversations and revelations by myself.

photo credit: Stephanie Berry