i'm not afriad and neither should you be... for now

it is a new year, or so says my cell phone, and although the events surrounding the bringing in of this year were fun and spirited, i still find myself incapacitated by depression. flipping through pages of magazines, reading books and even walking about town, i see that, even on my good days, i'm sad and i'm lonely.
no need for pity, here. its just what "is" right now.

there are options in the future, there are changes that i can make to my life, both professional and personal, to fix these issues, there are actions i can take and others i can refuse, in order to align myself, my self, with happier days, brighter people, more conversation and many more smiles.

taking those steps is a bit frightening; fore, regardless of how hard one tries to ensure that no one is left in the wake of their, seemingly small, life decisions, life - in it's infinite wisdom, doesn't seem to care. its terrifying - the connection of things, the convenience and corruption and the overwhelming (and often time upstaging) sense that you actually matter in the grand scheme of it all. worse yet, the overwhelming and very much center-stage notion that you, in fact, as once suspected, do not matter in the grand (or less grand) scheme of anything.

however, since those dueling drama queens are battling for center stage, i'm going to follow advice that i've been given my whole life: do your best, after all, that's all you can do. for whatever occurs outside your head, outside your intentions and outside your conscious, you have no control over - so why fret?

i'm going to force myself to smile today. that's "step one to a sprightlier sydney" in this new year.
that and playing with my new (self cut) bangs.

although i dream of great moves, big decisions and long strides towards my full grown, big girl self, i know that every teeter on this balance beam and, just like that, i have a conniption fit (or something similar, depending on the scene and the players). you can't make big moves if you're not willing to lose some luggage. you can't take long strides if you're not willing to hit a puddle or sticker burr bush along the way. and, really, its not that i can't hand a rocked boat, a gruff neighbor or a bit of debt. its that i can't handle it the way i used to, with grace and strength and ease, the way i handled everything before peace corps and the attacks and my broken heart.

i guess, really, what i'm saying is that i'm not afraid and neither should you be - we've got smiles, cupcakes, sunrises and raincoats to help strike that balance, help find that idealistic notion that when you are sad and lonely, read books.

my take on Morning Glory muffins...

Ingredients

• 1 1/2 cups whole wheat flour
• 1/2 cup oats
• 1 cup raw sugar
• 1 tablespoon ground cinnamon
• 2 teaspoons baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon sea salt
• 2 cups spaghetti squash
• 1 apple - peeled, cored, and chopped
• 1 cup golden raisins
• 1 cup of mango puree
• 1 egg 2 egg whites
• 1/2 cup cranberry-apple butter (or plain apple butter)
• 1/4 cup apple sauce
• 1 tablespoon honey
• 2 tablespoons flax seeds
• 2 tablespoons pumpkin seeds

Directions

• Preheat oven to 375F. Lightly oil muffin cups, sprinkle with sugar.
• In a medium bowl, whisk together eggs, egg whites, (cranberry)apple butter, apple sauce, mango puree and honey.
• In a large bowl, stir together flour, oats, sugar, cinnamon, baking powder, baking soda and sea salt. Stir in spaghetti squash, apples and golden raisins. Stir in apple butter mixture until just moistened. Spoon the batter into the muffin cups, filling them about 3/4 full.
• Bake at 375F for 20 minutes, or until the tops are golden and spring back when lightly pressed.

Once cooled, top these sweeties with leftover cranberry sauce or 

cream cheese with jelly, serve with coffee or mulled wine, 

depending on what time of day... or what type of mood you find yourself in, 

add cocoa powder to the dry mixture to enhance the seasonal flavors (like the bite on the right)

and enjoy. 

ending the new year with rom-coms, coffee and delights

i woke up alone but happy; cozy, with Nugent on my chest, purring like a Porsche, warming my soul as much as my body, keeping me company amongst my sad dreams. with the internet down and glitter polish on my fingernails, i decided to hit the town early. earlier than i have in months, seeking coffee, connectivity and confections.

instead of heading downtown, consequentially down the hill to the waterfront, i went up the hill, figuring, since this entire year has been, yet another, uphill battle, why not psyche today out and head towards the sun? not two blocks from my house, i had one of those eye-contact moments that makes you believe that you're being followed by a romantic-comedy camera crew, complete with the soap opera lens and warm, fuzzy music.

alas, i kept going, looking back once as he was too, and i smiled, flushed - from sentiment of sunshine, i don't know. but either way, it was warm and fuzzy indeed.
the sun hit my face and i was happy.

that little spark of life put a little fire under me and i hit the hill with vigor: i was, after all, in search of coffee and, if its really my day, donuts.

not three blocks from my apartment, i found a little europen bakery, complete with sweet smells, sensational souffles and absolutely decadent desserts.

and: old fashion donuts. 

i was going to photograph my donut delight, but, i dipped and dunked and, just like a snap, it was enjoyed and then it was only a memory.

a sweet memory.
see ya later, 2010.

sweet and happy holidays to you,

yours and everyone else.

thirty-six, or thirty-eight, it depends on the day

my darling, generous, beautiful, adoring, adored parents, 

Bob and Mohanta Schalit, 

have been happily and whole heartily married for 36 years, 

together for 38, today. 

i'm so proud to have these people in my life, 

to have these people to look up to, to model myself after, to enjoy time with and to always cherish. 

their spirit, natural beauty and authentic personalities light up people's lives - especially mine.

to 36 more!

a shel for you, a shel for me, this shel stood near a tree

this reminds me of the simple, sweet solitude that only true and good poetry can

hope it does you all 

a little bit of good; 

to remember 

simple 

and 

sweet times. 

of loved ones.

of loving one.

the mud always settles in the water. it just takes time.

as lovely as it is to be healing from home, warm and cozy in the comfort of my parents company in Salida, Colorado, embracing the sunniest winter in history, enjoying the delights of home (food, laundry, kitten-puppy bromance, sleeping in, napping hard, always clean and nice and lovely) and the embrace of sweet Salida friends, there is still a very raw, broken heart that lingers these hills... two of them, actually.

one belongs to me. 

the other, to Ryan.

there is a fresh life out there in the world, waiting for me... or so i'm told. its hard, though, to give up on this one. to let go of the love, of the distress, of the fairytale first half and the tragically flawed second. how hard we tried. how hard we try...

it isn't to say that the waters between Ryan and i are irrevocably muddied, but more, that we're both hoping that with the (slow, painful, arduous, seemingly impossible) process of mending our broken hearts, calmness, not calamity, will aide us in our paths.

i want, so dearly, to talk with, to sit with, to be near, to see Ryan. but, to be as unlike that thorn that grew so cooly, so invasively, so wickedly from the rosebush that was our life, i am dedicated to respecting his privacy, respecting his state, respecting his (situational) wishes.

the healing of a broken heart, of a broken spirit, undoubtedly takes time, effort and a gross overdose of positively purposeful living. i know he and i will one day be true and dear friends. but until then, we must maintain our singular selves and all that is linked therein, so that when we do come to that sunny place in our future, we'll both be better, to each other and most importantly, to ourselves.