... When I'm Sixty-Five ...

sweet & sloppy saul kisses

2011-09-29T08:33:00.000-07:00

saul + sunshine + salida = slap.happy.sydney

binge & PURGE

2011-07-22T12:22:00.000-07:00

Somehow, in two years, I have acquired an enormous amount of stuff. Really cute stuff, but stuff nonetheless: shabby chic furniture, beautiful dishes, unique frames, brilliant lamps, funky yet functional desks, a rad vehicle from the 1970s, clothes, linens, you name it, I've probably go it. And now, I'm selling it. All.

Everything but, of course, Nugent and the Peugeot.

It is raining and dreary outside, adding fuel to my packing-for-flight-fire. I'm headed south for the summer/fall/winter/ever and am very happy for it. Its times like these that I realize the true extent of my luck, of my blessings, of my awesome life, and find it hard to believe that not long ago I considered taking it. As you know, these last 3 years have been some of my worst. But, in those dark, dreary dreadful moments comes light. The warm light of family ties, of friendships, of distance and closeness, of the incalculable importance of feline/canine companions, of true love and loss; most importantly, of self. The years have been hard on me, but they've been harder still on others, and in my hard times I find the best thing to do is binge a little then purge a lot. I'm lucky to be able to do so.

I'm selling my beloved car, or, at least, I'm trying to. I'm selling my furniture, my clothes, some shoes, lots of stuff, and with everything thing that leaves these doors, I feel a little bit lighter. I could, in all honesty, pack my books, my cat, my bike and some radishes and be okay for a little while. Enough, surely, to get me through a few weeks in the sun. Then, of course, I'd start looking and smelling like these foolish beings I so loathe in Olympia, the white guys with dreadlocks, the hairy-legged ladies who refuse toothbrushes, too, the trustifarians who know what they've got and exploit it and those with little for their own high (unplucked and gross) brow memoirs that they'll surely be writing when they have 2.5 kids and refuse to hire any "illegals."

Oh how time changes us. I hope it continues to change me for the better. I've made some mistakes thus far, cut some ties I regret, been stubborn enough to allow bosses to harass and crazies to affect... alas, time changes us and right now is a great time for some change.

See you on the other side of the Rockies. I'm so ready to purge and head east!

bennie frank, preaching to the choir

2011-06-30T06:29:00.000-07:00

'If you would be loved, love and be lovable.'
Benjamin Franklin

2011-06-25T15:17:00.001-07:00

happy gals

2011-06-11T09:42:00.000-07:00

i'm trying so hard, seemingly in vein, to stay chipper;

the weather here on June 11th is cool, dreary and unfit for its sprightly season.

stay sunny

although i do not miss the sweltering suffocating heat of the Texas summers, nor do i miss the exhaustive dry heat of the Sahel, i do miss the feeling of warmth wrapping my body, sweat forming on its own accord and none of my own, cold water having an alleviating purpose, the scent and feel of sunscreen, the touch of sun's delightful yet damaging rays, the golden glow of my sun kissed locks.

i do miss being warm.

hope your weekend blooms

2011-06-03T09:18:00.000-07:00

a bouquet for you. from me.

there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, otherwise, its just a hole

2011-05-30T21:35:00.001-07:00

Saul Schalit in Salida, CO

for the love of

2011-05-30T16:34:00.000-07:00

in a previous post i lightly addressed the sad fact that my sweet friends, Wendy & Chris Walters, lost their newborn babygirl, Lila Jane Walters, unexpectedly. she was only about a month old and had already made a lovely, warm and sweet impact on their little family. the news of this tragedy came to me while sitting, lonely and sad to be leaving colorado, at the denver airport, loathing the lonesomeness, the illogicality of it all, and truly questioning my decision to leave salida, leave colorado, once again. having had a phenomenal trip home, some time to catch up with my former and with many of my dearest friends, made me truly wonder - what i am doing with my self? alas, i sat in the airport, weeping, making fellow travelers uncomfortable and yet encouraging them to express openly their support for a fellow being. touching my shoulder gently, wordlessly sitting nearby just for the warmth of spirit. two little birds came and perched by me, too. actual little birds. that was pleasant and comforting. i was able to spend some quality time on skype with my best friend, residing in europe, staying up late so as to help me conquer the panic attack that was overwhelming me {unassisted with meds which were, comfortably en route to seattle}...

anyway, just like those strangers and those strange birds, giving a little time, a little effort, or even just a sincere smile can truly and genuinely change a persons life. even if just for a moment.

in LilaJane Walters' honor and in support of Wendy, Chris and Devin (their toddling son), the following community support systems have been set up. i figured i'd pass this along and encourage you to write, to donate, to support. whether you're in salida, in colorado, or a complete stranger, these are simple ways to help someone find a reason to smile.

{if you do, indeed, participate and to avoid creeping anyone out, it would probably be best if you noted that you found this information via Sydney}

An account has been set up

Lila Jane Walters

Bank of the West

146 G St Salida 81201

Fundraisers

Community Sale June 5th at 1112 F Street at 10:00am.

Meals

If you can cook please sign up @ www.takethemameal.com

Last name: Walters

Password: Lilajane

Contact

A card, flowers, or something for Devin (boy, age 2) can be sent to their home

348 Poncha Blvd.

Salida, CO 81201

remember, a smile, sincere eye contact, even just a bright flower, can truly change a person's day. imagine what we can do for a family in mouring, with a note, a floral arrangement, a smile...

a hermits life for me

2011-05-30T16:16:00.000-07:00

as i test the waters of the dating world i find myself pulling back, further and further, into my shell; sleeping longer hours; eating less; enjoying Nugent more; finding solace in books and writings than in the company of others; especially strangers.

i figure if the best face i can put on is one mustered with (even just slight) intoxication, i should maybe hold off for awhile longer.

the wounds are too fresh; the scars still visible; the warmth still there. although i know my ex has and/or is trying to move on, i guess i'm just not ready yet. and that is just fine with me. i'm happy for him, for Fisher, for what is next in his life. i hope its full of good things; less drama; more sun and smiles and a lot less of the Crazy. i hope that, too, for his new ladyfriend. sincerely.

c/o http://www.flickr.com/photos/vgunda/3715467750/

oh yea, and dating in the rain is the pits!

thanks Olympia for keeping me snug as a hermitty bug in my precious, warm, dry and kitten-friendly home.

i like people.

2011-05-29T08:48:00.000-07:00

nice ones.

Texas Texas, Yee Haw

2011-05-26T11:18:00.000-07:00

http://www.etsy.com/listing/64169491/i-heart-texas

i met a fellow Texpatriate last night after spending some quality time with a few other southerners this past weekend & realized how thoroughly i miss Texas, Texans & the largess therein...

i whip my hair back, but never forth... that is just asking for trouble

2011-05-25T10:46:00.000-07:00

there are friends and then there are loved ones. its a fine line in my world; a line that gets hopped and scotched and botched and respected - it depends on the weather, and whether or not, it nearly always ends in tears.

happy tears, sad tears, remorseful tears, joyful tears.

in the past 72 hours i've been reminded, many times over, just how much i am loved and, more importantly, how much i love.
that i'm selfish: still trying to grow into my 26 year old skin, still trying to maintain my priorities, to not step on toes, to keep smiling as much as possible and to make myself a better person. my friends, my loved ones, my family, they've shown me great things this weekend. including the fact that, whenever, where ever, how ever, if you love and you are loved , you are indeed alive.

alive.

26.

well.

and

looking forward.

i was given a piece of chalk; a piece of white/grey chalk, that only i and my little friend Fisher received, that is to remind me to own my intentions, to make my decisions, to own my days and to be my best. the piece of chalk was bestowed upon me to assist me in my journey through the "dark forest" {oly-based-hippie talk for "your late twenties"} - where self reflection, self inspection abound; where selfless and selfish are arguably interchangeable.

i was given an investment into my photographic future.
i was given a book of correspondence, of beautiful, artful attempts to further ignite passion through prose, poetry and profound colors.
i was given an antique painting of a little girl being bucked from a bronco; it was given with a smile, a wink and a proud hug - "i'm glad you're back in the saddle, Syd."
i was given handmade feather earrings, hugs, cupcakes, smiles, sweetness.

i was given some tragic news, halting all the goodness and happiness: the death of an infant, of an innocent. the notion of it takes your breath away, the knowing of it takes your heart more than a moment to recover. the reality of it takes... well, forever to comprehend, to ingest, to realize.

my heart aches, breaks, for you my friends the Walters, and everyone else submerged in sadness over the loss of this lovely little lady. my hands are open to you, to yours, and will always be for you.

to my sweet and lovely friends and family in Colorado, thank you for the sunny homecoming, the warm smiles and welcoming hugs; for the alley-way talks and the long-overdue looks. some interactions overshadowed others, some were under-appreciated and others still, overzealous, but, and i say this with complete confidence: i would not have changed or exchanged one interaction for another.

twenty-six

2011-05-15T14:03:00.000-07:00

- hello all friends, family and formers -

today i turn twenty-six.

today i enter my late twenties.

today the rain is torrential

and the friends are plentiful

and freedom is mine.

all mine.

thank you all for putting up with me, for loving me, for openly caring for a stranger,

for adoring a strange version of myself.

keep the South(erners) in mind today

2011-04-29T07:20:00.000-07:00

keep the South in mind, today, as you complain about exes, overcooked burgers, scream at customer service agents and accidentally bleached trousers... hug your kids, your moms, your dads and friends a little bit longer today - do it for the South.

comin' up roses

2011-04-16T10:45:00.000-07:00

so maybe everything isn't quite coming up roses, but it sure does seem to be headed in the right direction. although my night terrors have been much worse lately, causing some minor injuries {namely self made bruises, cuts and bloody noses, whilst deep in slumber}, they have made me aware of my progress on my path to PTSD recovery.

thanks for the goodness, http://www.puglypixel.com/

here are a few of the things i've come to know to be true:

whether i'm in a city, in the desert or in a small mountain town, i'm happiest when there is sunshine, smiles and loved ones nearby.
that a good day of work, be it physical, mental or healing, can brighten any day and lighten any evening with that peculiar sense of accomplishment and joy.
i've learned that what i want isn't necessarily anything different from what i had; its just that now i can see clearly and then i was looking, frantically, through a haze of anxiety, shame, pain, suffering, and loss. then, it seemed a poor fit. now i know that it was tailor made. {sigh}
i've met some people that make me appreciate my time spent alone, spent with my cat, spent with my podcasts.
i've met others that help me to realize that good folks are everywhere; patience and persistence with a reasonable sense of goodwill will always triumph.
i know that everyone is on their own path, their own process and hopefully maintain the direction of progress. we all fall, though, and whether its in love or off the path, its always worth the time, effort and lessons learned.
i know who i love, why i love them and how much it means to be able to freely, clearly and lovingly let them know.
i know now that i have more patience than i ever knew; but that much of that patience is wrought with an insatiable persistence and stubbornness.

there is so much more to be said but the sun just started shining here in Olympia and i if i don't go take advantage of it right now, it'll be gone!

ps: there are wild daffodils and tulips everywhere! i'll wear a raincoat to go see those, any day.

you know who you are & you know why this is sweet & awesome

2011-04-16T08:52:00.000-07:00

via: http://t.co/hvAv4SU

two years ago, today, tomorrow...

2011-03-15T20:39:00.000-07:00

just over two years ago, i was involved in an absurd, painful & sad event, dampened further by my severe weight loss, illness & fatigue. just over two years ago, something happened to me that would change my outlook on life, many times over, only to bring me to today, two years later.

today i am healthy. today i am healing. today i am grateful. today i am better.

tomorrow, i hope to be healthier still, a bit more healed, a bit more grateful, a bit better, too.
in my near future, i hope to have the chance to thank those who deserve it: my parents, Ryan, my brother and siblings, my friends, my frenemies, my teachers, my books, my coworkers, my pets, my pets, my pets.

two years ago, my life changed & although i didn't know it then & i wouldn't believe you if you said it yesterday, it changed for the better.
for my better.
i am grateful.

come fly with me, lets fly! lets fly away

2011-03-07T09:00:00.000-08:00

courtesy of

ModishVintage

waking up to the hallow & hollow calls of seagulls can make for a wonderful morning... without mourning.

as my job gets better & better, my social life begins to blossom, my kitten gains independence whilst still demanding to sleep under the covers, my book finds its rightful place in my daily list of to'dos, my running shoes wear thinner & thinner, my kitchen finds itself clean & clear of clutter.

my life - from the outside -
seems to be finding a balance -

i know better, though. i know now that what i thought i wanted - what i demanded from so many is, in fact, a personal lesson in patience.

courtesy of
ValeriaDalmon

as some of you know & others have gathered from this weblog: i am awesome at persistence but i lack the gumption for patience. it seems as though it is coming to me, slowly. the tact & forethought to allow patience & persistence to make their moves while i make mine & eventually fly me to that place in the hills where we watch the moon & stars & meteors while the dogs run about & the children sleep soundly.

patience & persistence: a dynamic duo i'm corralling.

~ i promise.

in light of the darkness

2011-03-01T20:01:00.000-08:00

as i get further and further away from my issues related to Peace Corps [namely my issues related to PTSD], the closer i find myself being able to handle the memories, both good and bad, untainted by the shock, by the pain, by the tug of remorse.

as i get more and more emails from soon-to-be Peace Corps Volunteers, who find my blog, my name, on a some website, the more i look into the events of the past, the events leading up to those events and everything in between.

the breakups. the breakdowns. the broken bones and broken memories. shattered by distraught Nigerians, by poor bus drivers, by women anticipating forgiveness whilst grappling with remorse, by people pushing for changes in a changeless circumstance. the good, the bad, the glorious, the horrific.

with these inquiries, which range from questions specific to my experiences to those more general to life in Peace Corps itself, i find myself being forced further and further into the depths of some of my darkest nights. both the beautiful, magical, loving dark nights, like the night of the meteor shower that lit up a love life; mid December 2007, and dark, dreadful experiences of one solo night in early March 2009.

in light of the darkness revisited - thanks to those questioning my experiences in Mali, as a PCV, as an engaged female in West Africa, as a believer in the spirit but not in the action of the Peace Corps - i’ve found myself sitting on a lot of well documented, tragic and terrific experiences and information. also, i’ve found myself more inclined to justify what’s happened since the attacks…

since my hope and my spark were beaten out of me,

since i lost the love of my life,

since i let some bullies run me around,

out of town, down down down.

since i let my life slip away…

i've been through a lot. some of the events of my recent past i don't even remember… until i go through my journal [and eventually to my blog wherein i can actually decipher the scratch that i call script] to rediscover the truth, the depth and the awe that was.

i am forever grateful to those who’ve been with me [and against me] along this path, for it is because of those and my reaction to their efforts, for good or evil, that i am who i am today and who i will become tomorrow.

sitting on this mound of emotion, of photography, of memory, of righteous pain and prospect, i find myself seeking those i’ve lost. Dabi. Ryan. Fisher. Tati. Skittles. Wurdia.

to name a few. in light of the darkness of loss there is a lesson; i hope my lessons show their light soon. i hope dampened sparks are reignited; i hope forgiveness and compassion and laughter and love come back to my life.

i hope i quit having these thoughts and conversations and revelations by myself.

2011-02-23T13:43:00.000-08:00

photo credit: Stephanie Berry

hey, You.

2011-02-14T08:31:00.000-08:00

- seatbelts - head gear - heart gear -

pictures of my pity party [for 1, but guests are welcomed]

2011-02-13T17:00:00.000-08:00

via: www.postsecret.com

getting back to my roots

we tend to seek happiness when happiness is actually a choice

bloody nose, check. ruined cookies, check. dirt laundry, check. dank wine, check.
it must be Valentines day.

slushy sundays make for scrumptious scramble

2011-02-13T10:03:00.000-08:00

well well, guess what? its raining in Olympia... again. these days where i find myself waking early, staying in bed, watching Glee and reading Steinbecks, have brought me more than up to speed in tween-life and English literature, respectively. they've also brought me around to the glory and goodness of a well rounded, colorful, healthy breakfast tradition: the scramble.

today's adventure in bruchtime culinary creations includes: eggs, garlic, kale, sweet potatoes, pepper, greek yogurt, spinach, boiled chicken breast and, my go to for every dish these days: olive oil for cooking, golden raisins for a splash of sweet and cheddar cheese for topping.

simple slushy Sunday scramble:

saute the sliced garlic with pepper, once soft add the fresh kale and spinach, then the (pre baked) sweet potato slices (or cubes, chunks, whateve), golden raisins and bits of boiled chicken
in a separate bowl, whip the eggs (i normally only use on yolk, regardless of the amount of egg whites) with two spoonfuls of greek yogurt (plain!)
in a skillet, over low-medium heat, warm a table spoon of olive oil, pour in the egg/yogurt mixture
add the greens to the eggs
once done, add the cheese atop and let melt

easier than pie, healthy as can be and a good way to start any Sunday, slushy or not.

really and truly, after a breakfast scramble like this - who needs lunch? i just need more Glee!

a) whYMCA?; b) no plug-ins during your powerup; c) i'm off to read & eat... mabye i'll drive

2011-02-13T08:16:00.000-08:00

a) the lonely get less from exercise: this explains my lack of interest in the Y of Olympia ... maybe.

b) cafes restrict patrons to hardbounds and paperbacks: no plug-ins, no problem. i'm still using a flipHone.

c) i'm off to read & eat, in a cafe. maybe i'll drive ... (nah).

a truly great forty-eight

2011-02-12T13:42:00.000-08:00

February 6; 5pm Central Time

When you’re happy, you find yourself in a bubble of warmth, of comfort, you smile without knowing it, you laugh without hesitation just like you breathe, you touch and are touched by people who are touching your skin and your heart and it’s the happiest, sweetest, truest touch. Hugging Patrick, Andrew, Joe, Lauren, some of the best of my bests, was as sweet and loving as holding a baby or petting a puppy.

When you’re happy, happy in its truest purest form, you are a walking light. You emit and radiate warmth. That warmth, I can tell, as I sit at the airport, drinking a Firemans4, watching the pre-game shows, amongst complete strangers, will stay with me, will not simply linger but maintain for a while to come.

And thank god for it.

I’m so lucky to have the family I have, to have the friends I have, and to know that I truly have all of these people. Of course, they are not mine to have, but we have bonds, connections, memories, aspirations, transitions and laughs that are mine, are theirs, are ours and I have them as friends, as family, as a part of me.

I’m beaming. It’s been a wonderful forty-eight hours in Austin, Texas. Two days full of hugs and tears, beers and laughs, sunshine and flurries. It’s actually been the best.

2011-02-08T20:28:00.000-08:00

a FishEye's view

even 70s hairband rockstars have to get their beautysleep...

2011-01-30T19:59:00.000-08:00

while cozied up to my tea... atop my table... in my kitchen... hmm.

Sweet(potato)Sunday

2011-01-30T19:51:00.000-08:00

ingredients

Syd'SweetPotatoSunday Bread

1 cup honey

.3 cup sweet potato water (from the boiled sweet potatoes)

1 cup boiled/mashed sweet potatoes

.5 cup chopped pineapple

.5 cup apple sauce (or veg. oil)

2 eggs

..............................

banana chips

.5 cup sugar

1.75 cups whole wheat flour

1 tsp baking soda

.25 tsp salt

.5 tsp cinnamon

1 cup golden raisins

combine honey and apple sauce, beat well. add eggs, beat well. separately, combine all dry ingredients, mix well. mix wet and dry ingredients, mix well; add boiled/mashed sweet potatoes.

pour into muffin tins, mini bread tins or a loaf pan - oiled and floured - bake at 350F for about an hour.

these turned out so well, i would even recommend them for next Sunday, February 6th, SuperBowlSweetPotatoSunday!

they'd make a great addition to any menu, especially if baked in a mini muffin tin or sliced and served with orange marmalade or something equally fantastic.

enjoy!

thank heaven for twenty eleven

2011-01-19T15:39:00.000-08:00

Last year I think I made every possible mistake that came along my path. It’s ok, now. I survived it all, and with some perspective, feel that I’ve learned quite a bit; a lot, in fact. And, I only lost my way a few times. I stuck to my guns, stayed true to what I felt was right, for me, for everyone, and even though I got slapped around, what with all the health issues, a tyrannical and somewhat comical reign, a confidence killing habitat blindside, some family crisis’ (mostly averted) and the breakup(s), I still survived...

I have stitches: inner ear and theoretical, too. I got my jaw fixed (thanks, brother) only to find I had put myself in a situation where not only did I lose my appetite but also any desire to smile. I tried red lipstick only to learn that I’m better off with eye drops and rosy cheeks. I tried to justify the insanity and insatiable rants of a self-inflicted broken-hearted horse-woman (you know how horsey folk can get), I tried to prove my worth to someone who sees only the worst, through a veil of self righteous delusion. I tried, I tried, I tried, until I found myself fading into it.

I moved, I cried, I jumped too many guns and held back in the times of forthrightness.

I don’t know. I guess nothing lasts forever, although, I will always love the one I loved last year, I will always love the son of the one I loved last year. I will always stand by my parents, be proud of my family and be strong willed and selfish (hopefully not to a fault). I will keep moving forward and even when I’m static, I know I’ll at least jump up and down. I plan to take this world by the horns - but not by the balls. I plan on telling the ones I love them, whether or not they are willing to hear it, because, as those Fruit Bats say: when you love somebody and you bite your tongue, all you get is

a mouthful of blood.

Touché.

To the One I said “yes” to - I’m always going to love you. Seatbelts.

To the One’s little one - you’ve always got me to come to.

To my Parents, who stood by me, through highs, lows, tides and snows - you’ll never have to fear for me the way you’ve done these past years, I’m getting stronger, better, every day. Because of you, because of me.

To the Friends, You know who You are - you’ve been distant, you’ve been near, and no matter where we are, geographically, you’ve got a hand to hold, a shoulder to sniffle upon, an ear to whisper to and, always, a friend in me because you kept me Me.

To the Dogs, the Cats and those in between - kisses to your filth faces.

Lucky for us all, I don’t have that trigger-happy finger that some do; the one that spouts off the “I love yous” and the “I hate yous” and the “I ate x, y and z emails.” The obvious and frank statement email-writer who guess-ti-mates that if they are having that good/bad of a day, everyone must know or empathize or even want to hear about it…

But, since this is MY blog and you are still reading it…

I get to say this: I guess I’m just feeling free, free from the crazy lady that I was becoming, free from the sicknesses that plagued me for three years, free from the oppression of joblessness and the equal discontent of an oppressive boss, free from my feelings of guilt from the attack (although not free from the flashbacks… not yet, at least), free from my self. It’s a sweet and liberating thing, and it doesn’t come daily. But today - today I felt free. And since I was free and loving and thankful, I thought to myself: if I bite my tongue, all I end up with is a mouthful of blood.

Touché indeed.

hindsight is always 20/20

2011-01-15T15:18:00.000-08:00

i cannot bring myself to watch this episode, however, i encourage you all to expose yourself to this; not for me, not for them, but for yourself. for when you see the tragedy, not of the attack, not of the rape, but of the lack of concern and lack of humanity that the Peace Corps shows its bravest volunteers (believe me, i'm not patting myself on the back), it will encourage you to listen closer, to feel deeper and to understand more, the plight of abused women worldwide... and next door.

please also note that, even though i had little help from the Security Officer serving in Mali, once the Peace Corps Medical Officers (both African, both female) and the Director of Peace Corps Mali (a delightful American man) caught wind of what had happened to me (albeit it 4 months later), they acted and they acted quickly. not to seek justice but to assist me in seeking refuge. in the arms of my beloved parents and family, my (then) fiance and to begin the uphill battle that is American medical insurance.

one more thing: if i could go back tomorrow - i would. maybe not with the Peace Corps but to Mourgoula. to Mali.

thank you all for your support, knowing that people read this blog, that the earlier parts of it actually helped others through similar situations and that reading it now brings some sort of solace to the situation, warms me in this cold, wet climate.

thank you. sincerely.

the best saturdays

2011-01-15T10:46:00.000-08:00

start with a reminder of loved ones, of being loved once, with a kitten's purr and a cool breeze, with a hot and strong coffee, a glass of bubbling carrot juice and with a sweet potato and broccoli omelet.

hope your saturday started off as sweetly as mine...

wee v. gorgeous, the pony battle

2011-01-12T08:30:00.000-08:00

my attempt at a pony tail... progress isn't always pretty

Pilli, showing off her locks... from Europe

whenimsixtyfive (@#arrows etc)

2011-01-10T12:18:00.000-08:00

i'm considering a twitter account... to go with a new phone... to go with my new attempt at living a modern life with succinct and timely thoughts broadcast into the universe.

alas, i'm worried i'll get lost:

i found this on the worldwideweb but cannot remember where! if you know, let me know (please) so that i can properly attribute its ingenious to the proper owner/creator. thanks!

fried tomatoes & a familiar face

2011-01-08T12:37:00.000-08:00

me and my new bangs hit the town early today,

taking (yet another) new route and

finding some sense of self along the way.

seems trite and easy (to remedy), the ways of my world, to me and possibly to you as well, but mornings like this morning help me to realize that not only am i important to myself (an oddly constructed phrase) but also to others. as many times as people tell you that you're important, that you are deserving, that you are someone to love, it can often take only one or two remarks of the opposing side of that argument to knock someones self off the shelf. my self has been off its shelf for months, sadly, maybe even years. but glimmers of hope come from moments like the ones that filled this morning.

as i watched Nugent sleep atop my laptop computer, case closed but still emitting warmth, i focused on his sweetly smiling face, his tightly shut eyes, the slight rise and drastic fall of his belly and breath, his comfort and confidence in his surrounds and consequentially in me. this threw me into a frenzy of thoughts of my future, my future family, not what they'll look like or who they will be but what it'll be like to see a belly rise and fall, to see a sweetly smiling face with tightly shut eyes, comfortable and confident in me, all these things familiar and familial.

love at sight, first and last.

then i thought: my folks, they've got it together. they might drive one another nutty, sometimes batty other times, down right crazy at best, but they've got kids, grandkids, friends and family who adore and cherish their every move. lucky for me, i get to hold that adoration daily in my hands and my heart. someday, i want my little ones to feel that for me; but first and foremost, i've got to get it together, too.

life. my life. my health. my happiness. my mind. my self. these things need to be aligned in some forethought, with respect to my past and present. someday i'll have a lovely family, children for sure, whether i bore them or not, i'll have a house full of precious little people whose bellies i can watch rise and fall in comfort of slumber and confidence in me. someday i'll have someone who drives me nutty, batty and crazy; who i'll love and who'll love me, exactly how we need it although not necessarily how we want it.

i left the house in a bit of a frenzy, running out the door in purple and black, bangs and curls, blond and black, hitting this town that, for a few wonderful hours today, gets to sit in the sun today. as i walked on my new path into town, i had a destination in mind but once i got to a street corner full of awkward fools, i took a turn down a hill and into a mindset of fight or flight. lucky for me, and the fools on the corner, they were off to the bar and i was off to breakfast with my book.

it amazes me that a Steinbeck novel can inspire introspection beyond anything biblical; as i walked, now far from my intended destination, i ended up at a little cafe with really awesome heaters, stellar coffee and insanely good hollandaise sauce (which, to those who know me, is KEY to a happy breakfast). outside was a beautiful bicycle, making me miss mine (which has been in injured retirement since june, although, with this many random days of sunshine that could be used to cruise, it may have a triumphant return from retirement sooner than later) and inside was a familiar face.

i'm going to let that sink in - familiar face. in olympia? crazy but true!

once, when sick like a dog and lost in a part of town i'd never seen before, i met a girl (clean, nice, friendly), Amy, who too was lost and who too was lost due to an unjustifiably altered bus route. questioning our own judgement lasted for a very short time and we both ended up on the phone with customer service, complaining that we had gotten on a bus that took an alternate route and had dropped us off 6 miles from our destinations (which happened to be very near one another) and as we both overheard the other's conversation, a kind bald man pulled up in a city truck and told us that all the routes were running 1.5 hours behind, that no, he was not joking and that if we wanted, he could take three of us to town. we both offered for the elderly people to board with this bald man but as every one of them turned him down, we smiled at one another and hopped into his extremely warm truck. after a little way, we discovered that we commute to Shelton on the same bus, i, however, take the early bus and she takes the 9am; the return trip was just the opposite.

the relief of knowing that someone who isn't a Vietnam Vet also rides the #6 brought us both to laughter. she was let off not 4 blocks from my stop and until this morning, we haven't seen one another since.

she immediately recognized me, and i her, and we began that funny chatter that happens with coincidences. it felt really good to be recognized. and happily so. i ordered a killer omelet with blue cheese, bacon and granny smiths with a side of fried tomatoes, sat and read some more of my Steinbeck and felt genuinely happy, content and warm, inside and out; for the first time, i felt like this city and i, we might work out. me, my self on the right shelf, and Nugent

2011-01-07T20:29:00.001-08:00

my new motto

there is a Cookie List

2011-01-07T16:19:00.001-08:00

you'd better hope you're on it.

a marathon of sorts

2011-01-07T16:12:00.000-08:00

today, with the rain falling, consistently and at an angle, i stayed inside, cooked myself some very delicious and healthy snacks and i watched every episode of Party Down (seasons 1&2).

a twinge of nostalgia, a tear of sweet memories, a twinkle of fun and tremendous laughter - at one point, i even woke my cat up from a nap. this show comes highly recommended.
highly.

oh, and, it's best back to back.

a published, although not paid, photographer

2011-01-07T15:58:00.000-08:00

franz lake fauna, taken en route, just outside of Salida.

to the point of feline frustration

2011-01-06T23:10:00.000-08:00

sleep is normally a place i do not wish to visit too often; generally, sleep is not a source of rest for me, but is, instead, a horrifying look into a future i do not wish to see or a ghastly look at my past, through cold loveless lenses, obscured to relive only the painful moments of my life; artfully avoiding the beautiful, love and laughter filled days, countless if ever numbered.

sleep is normally something i must do rather than something i choose to do. alas, with mono, the last 4 weeks have been very different. most days, i've slept at least 15 if not 18 hours. no matter the weather, my condition, my company or the state in which i lay, sleep has overcome me in ways and places i didn't know were possible.

for those of you who've suffered through the long and arduous plight of mono, your empathy is welcomed, although in many ways, undeserved. from the stories i have heard, my bout with mono has been an easy one: exhaustion, lack of appetite, poorly timed fevers and a weakness beyond weaknesses. aside from the Cat Scratch Fever, i fell to no other illnesses common to mono-sufferers, and, as one pointed out, its probably due to my inability to dehydrate: for i am an avid if not addicted water consumer. keeping my body well hydrated and consistently flushed probably helped me ward off other common co-conspirators, such as the flu, canker sores, and congestion. all that being said, the sleep and constant exhaustion kept me down and out but only a few times busted.

i can't help but wonder about the state of my dreams when i'm in a state of despair. often times, when my heart aches for my friends and loved ones, i dream of them; when my body aches from a day of (actual) labor, i dream of africa, the village, the huts, the family, the hills, the walks, the eyes.

naps these days come often and with purpose. with little warning, i'm out. and with even less, i'm up, usually around 3 hours later. its amazing - my days have flown by, in fits and feverish flurries, with sad tears flooding my face and happy smiles overwhelming my body, the last month has gone and with it, seemingly, so have some of my night-terrors. i do hope that they stay gone, at least until i'm well again.

when i am sick, however, i seem to dream of nothing.

i just sleep. quiet. still (unless feverish). and very hard.

it doesn't matter that my odd, older and eery upstairs neighbor, julien, the small and pudgy indiscernible odorous asian man in the apartment directly above mine, plays his movies (one of two genres: copper flicks and carey grant pictures) loudly and with his own voice-overs soaking through his floors. it doesn't matter that my kitten, Nugent, is pawing my nose or purring my belly or biting my toes, i'll flinch and reposition, but i almost never wake up... except to go to the restroom (from my lack of dehydration comes a nightly trip to the restroom). other than that one, now robotic movement to the room across the hall and back, i sleep long hard hours, to the point of frustration to Nuge.

i'm not afriad and neither should you be... for now

2011-01-05T20:48:00.000-08:00

it is a new year, or so says my cell phone, and although the events surrounding the bringing in of this year were fun and spirited, i still find myself incapacitated by depression. flipping through pages of magazines, reading books and even walking about town, i see that, even on my good days, i'm sad and i'm lonely.
no need for pity, here. its just what "is" right now.

there are options in the future, there are changes that i can make to my life, both professional and personal, to fix these issues, there are actions i can take and others i can refuse, in order to align myself, my self, with happier days, brighter people, more conversation and many more smiles.

taking those steps is a bit frightening; fore, regardless of how hard one tries to ensure that no one is left in the wake of their, seemingly small, life decisions, life - in it's infinite wisdom, doesn't seem to care. its terrifying - the connection of things, the convenience and corruption and the overwhelming (and often time upstaging) sense that you actually matter in the grand scheme of it all. worse yet, the overwhelming and very much center-stage notion that you, in fact, as once suspected, do not matter in the grand (or less grand) scheme of anything.

however, since those dueling drama queens are battling for center stage, i'm going to follow advice that i've been given my whole life: do your best, after all, that's all you can do. for whatever occurs outside your head, outside your intentions and outside your conscious, you have no control over - so why fret?

i'm going to force myself to smile today. that's "step one to a sprightlier sydney" in this new year.
that and playing with my new (self cut) bangs.

although i dream of great moves, big decisions and long strides towards my full grown, big girl self, i know that every teeter on this balance beam and, just like that, i have a conniption fit (or something similar, depending on the scene and the players). you can't make big moves if you're not willing to lose some luggage. you can't take long strides if you're not willing to hit a puddle or sticker burr bush along the way. and, really, its not that i can't hand a rocked boat, a gruff neighbor or a bit of debt. its that i can't handle it the way i used to, with grace and strength and ease, the way i handled everything before peace corps and the attacks and my broken heart.

i guess, really, what i'm saying is that i'm not afraid and neither should you be - we've got smiles, cupcakes, sunrises and raincoats to help strike that balance, help find that idealistic notion that when you are sad and lonely, read books.

my take on Morning Glory muffins...

2011-01-05T19:10:00.000-08:00

Ingredients

1 1/2 cups whole wheat flour
1/2 cup oats
1 cup raw sugar
1 tablespoon ground cinnamon
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon sea salt
2 cups spaghetti squash
1 apple - peeled, cored, and chopped
1 cup golden raisins
1 cup of mango puree
1 egg 2 egg whites
1/2 cup cranberry-apple butter (or plain apple butter)
1/4 cup apple sauce
1 tablespoon honey
2 tablespoons flax seeds

2 tablespoons pumpkin seeds

Directions

Preheat oven to 375F. Lightly oil muffin cups, sprinkle with sugar.
In a medium bowl, whisk together eggs, egg whites, (cranberry)apple butter, apple sauce, mango puree and honey.
In a large bowl, stir together flour, oats, sugar, cinnamon, baking powder, baking soda and sea salt. Stir in spaghetti squash, apples and golden raisins. Stir in apple butter mixture until just moistened. Spoon the batter into the muffin cups, filling them about 3/4 full.
Bake at 375F for 20 minutes, or until the tops are golden and spring back when lightly pressed.

Once cooled, top these sweeties with leftover cranberry sauce or

cream cheese with jelly, serve with coffee or mulled wine,

depending on what time of day... or what type of mood you find yourself in,

add cocoa powder to the dry mixture to enhance the seasonal flavors (like the bite on the right)

and enjoy.

ending the new year with rom-coms, coffee and delights

2010-12-31T09:47:00.000-08:00

i woke up alone but happy; cozy, with Nugent on my chest, purring like a Porsche, warming my soul as much as my body, keeping me company amongst my sad dreams. with the internet down and glitter polish on my fingernails, i decided to hit the town early. earlier than i have in months, seeking coffee, connectivity and confections.

instead of heading downtown, consequentially down the hill to the waterfront, i went up the hill, figuring, since this entire year has been, yet another, uphill battle, why not psyche today out and head towards the sun? not two blocks from my house, i had one of those eye-contact moments that makes you believe that you're being followed by a romantic-comedy camera crew, complete with the soap opera lens and warm, fuzzy music.

alas, i kept going, looking back once as he was too, and i smiled, flushed - from sentiment of sunshine, i don't know. but either way, it was warm and fuzzy indeed.
the sun hit my face and i was happy.

that little spark of life put a little fire under me and i hit the hill with vigor: i was, after all, in search of coffee and, if its really my day, donuts.

not three blocks from my apartment, i found a little europen bakery, complete with sweet smells, sensational souffles and absolutely decadent desserts.

and: old fashion donuts.

i was going to photograph my donut delight, but, i dipped and dunked and, just like a snap, it was enjoyed and then it was only a memory.

a sweet memory.
see ya later, 2010.

2010-12-23T20:27:00.000-08:00

sweet and happy holidays to you,

yours and everyone else.

thirty-six, or thirty-eight, it depends on the day

2010-12-19T10:57:00.000-08:00

my darling, generous, beautiful, adoring, adored parents,

Bob and Mohanta Schalit,

have been happily and whole heartily married for 36 years,

together for 38, today.

i'm so proud to have these people in my life,

to have these people to look up to, to model myself after, to enjoy time with and to always cherish.

their spirit, natural beauty and authentic personalities light up people's lives - especially mine.

to 36 more!

a shel for you, a shel for me, this shel stood near a tree

2010-12-16T11:15:00.000-08:00

this reminds me of the simple, sweet solitude that only true and good poetry can

hope it does you all

a little bit of good;

to remember

simple

and

sweet times.

of loved ones.

of loving one.

the mud always settles in the water. it just takes time.

2010-12-12T13:48:00.000-08:00

as lovely as it is to be healing from home, warm and cozy in the comfort of my parents company in Salida, Colorado, embracing the sunniest winter in history, enjoying the delights of home (food, laundry, kitten-puppy bromance, sleeping in, napping hard, always clean and nice and lovely) and the embrace of sweet Salida friends, there is still a very raw, broken heart that lingers these hills... two of them, actually.

one belongs to me.

the other, to Ryan.

there is a fresh life out there in the world, waiting for me... or so i'm told. its hard, though, to give up on this one. to let go of the love, of the distress, of the fairytale first half and the tragically flawed second. how hard we tried. how hard we try...

it isn't to say that the waters between Ryan and i are irrevocably muddied, but more, that we're both hoping that with the (slow, painful, arduous, seemingly impossible) process of mending our broken hearts, calmness, not calamity, will aide us in our paths.

i want, so dearly, to talk with, to sit with, to be near, to see Ryan. but, to be as unlike that thorn that grew so cooly, so invasively, so wickedly from the rosebush that was our life, i am dedicated to respecting his privacy, respecting his state, respecting his (situational) wishes.

the healing of a broken heart, of a broken spirit, undoubtedly takes time, effort and a gross overdose of positively purposeful living. i know he and i will one day be true and dear friends. but until then, we must maintain our singular selves and all that is linked therein, so that when we do come to that sunny place in our future, we'll both be better, to each other and most importantly, to ourselves.

brain farts vs real farts

2010-12-07T21:08:00.000-08:00

yesterday was a busy one for this sleep laden gal. i had to get laundry done (thank god for wash'n'fold), get the kitten his travel sedatives, call southwest, clean the apartment, do the dishes (the mt. rainer mound of dishes), send all my christmas cards and, whew, remember to rest.

today, while still suffering from my exhausting yesterday, i'm plagued with brain farts left and right;
Nugent, my kitten, who flew today, sedated and cool (like most of my cohorts on southwest flight 196), seems have his own issues: with real farts.

at first, i just thought it was Tacoma, an infamously stinky city, but as we passed through and beyond, towards the Emerald City of Seattle, the odor lingered, to my dismay. lucky for me, the shock and awe of airport security ruffled the goods right out of my now droopy-eyed black cat and he lay his head down and rested. although the turbulence did wake him, only to remind him to reposition himself and fall back asleep.

while my brain farts continue to plague me (i would like to blame them on my fatigue and general malaise, but, lets be honest here - i can be somewhat of a scatterbrain by nature), i'm so terribly grateful that his real farts do not.

easy recipes for the down and out

2010-12-05T16:01:00.000-08:00

mono, compounded by cat scratch fever, a playful kitten and an insatiable desire to leave my apartment without the capacity do so, would leave anyone too tired to cook. and, aside from my one incident (yesterday, i tried to make myself some oatmeal, and i sat down on the couch, and three hours later i woke to the fire alarm... oops), this week with mono has found me more adventurous in the kitchen and although that's probably due to my less frequent trip to the grocery store, i'm happy for it.

please do remember, these are not meant to be eaten all at once, in fact, it took me a week to get through the three things listed below, but, i have been sleeping like 18 hours a day, so, you know...

when down and out, one needs to eat and eat well.

the body heals best when its sleeping and sleeps best when its full...

so, here's what i've come up with so far:

first, the garlic and jalapeno pork chops with cream-cheese'd rice

a) here piggie piggie

set the oven to 375/400
finely chop a fresh jalapeno and garlic
place half of the choppings in the middle of a cookie plate, douse with olive oil
place a pork chop atop the pile of green and pale yellow
rub the other half of the choppings on to the pork chop, adding olive oil, a dash of salt
cook in the center of the oven for 6 minutes, pull out and flip for another 5 or so
top with grated cheese

b) always add cheese

in the final stages of making rice, when there is only a slight glisten of water left simmering and swimming, add a dollop of cream cheese, stir well
after you've mixed in the cheese, turn the heat off and lay a towel across the top of the pot, securing it by laying the lid on top of the towel

serve a) on top of b) with a side of green beans or some salad - enjoy!

second, the pesto steak with goat cheese and crispy broccoli (not Pilli's favorite)

a) don't skirt the steak

on low heat and in a skillet, saute some chopped garlic, salt and pepper with olive oil
smother your steak in pesto sauce
turn the heat up slightly, lay the steak on the skillet
flip after about 5 minutes
flip again after about 3 minutes

(i totally cheat here and slice a bit in the middle - i like my steaks to be medium and this usually does it)

once its cooked to your liking, top it with a dollop of goat cheese and a dab of pesto

b) "um, excuse me, waiter, this broccoli is burnt"

heat the oven to 400
toss fresh broccoli in a dish with large garlic slices, olive oil, a dash of red wine (merlot) and pepper
add a few cherry or sugar plum tomatoes, toss again
ensuring that ever bit of broccoli is lightly bathed in the oil mixture, put in the oven
about 10 minutes later, check to see if the leafy parts of the broccoli are browning - you want them to be brown before you pull them out

serve a) with b) and drink lots of water with this salty and delicious meal

third, the roasted garbanzo snack

drain and rinse (well!) a can of garbanzo beans (chickpeas)
set the oven to 375/400
in a baking dish, toss them with sugar plum tomatoes, flax seeds, golden raisins, baby-pumpkin s seeds (aka: pepitas), salt, olive oil and a dash of balsamic vinegar
bake/roast for about 15 minutes or until browned
this dish is meant to be crispy but if you over do your olive oil (like i always do) these go great on top of a salad, with just about any pasta dish, or on its own with a side of grilled veggies and some goat cheese

before

after!

my mama knows me well

2010-12-05T09:09:00.000-08:00

knowing that retail-therapy is one of my most successful ways out of the dumps, and, taking into consideration the fact that i'm too tired to go prescribe myself a new sweater or some cute lacey tunic, my darling mother, Mohanta, took it upon her self to apply some new purchase ointment to my wounds and sent me a perfect-fit, precious wool/cotton blend, cinched at (my ever shrinking) waist, all-the-rage plaid coat!

i absolutely love it and love Y.O.L.O. for carrying it and Loni Walton for assisting in the purchase.

i feel better already.

although, now that i wrote this post, and posed for a photograph,

i'm exhausted and am going to lay back down.

thanks Dr. Mama; your Rx hit the spot!

hello, from this mono riddled, solo stricken, sad sack

2010-12-02T09:59:00.000-08:00

hello!

Nuge for Short

2010-11-28T22:04:00.000-08:00

Marlowe, aka Kit'en, aka Killer, has been formally renamed: Nugent (Nuge for short).

the Fever still plagues me and was the only cloud on my otherwise sunny and fun weekend home for the holidays. my enlarged lymph nodes are still grossly golf-ball like and tender to the touch.

off to the doc in the morning, though, so no worries, no frets, just kitten scratches in the end, right?

i arrived home after a four day vacation in sunny Salida, only to find him ready for me, purring, running, jumping, bounding and devouring whatever i put in front of him.

he's a happy cat, which is fantastic. and now, finally, his name fits his crime.

homeward bound

2010-11-24T18:01:00.000-08:00

and so happy

for it!

2010-11-24T08:00:00.000-08:00

run

lumps... don't worry, it's hilarious

2010-11-23T16:54:00.000-08:00

a few days ago i noticed that my left arm was particularly sore and weak, especially around the elbow. a day or so later, the deodorant stick set me off in tears upon application under the same sore arm.
today, i discovered that these two sore spots were protruding like golf balls from said areas - my left elbow and under my arm (arm pit). i decided to call my insurance's nurse help line. they quickly made me an appointment and i went in this afternoon.

this is Marlowe, stuck to the screen in the kitchen.
it took three doctors to diagnose my lumps, but, after about 30 minutes of medical jargon filled discussion, and a few interjections from yours truly, we discovered that Marlowe had scratched my left hand last week and whatever bacteria he has on his tiny little paws made its way into my blood stream, up my arm, and has nested in my painful, golf ball sized lymph nodes.

that's right - Marlowe infected me with Cat Scratch Fever.

no kidding. no joke. i have Cat Scratch Fever, aka, Cat Scratch Disease - treated with an antibiotic and some laughter. because if you can't laugh at that, there really is something wrong.

go to work? or stay at home with the kitten, hot tea, and slippers?

2010-11-23T06:36:00.001-08:00

heart the zipper

2010-11-22T11:20:00.001-08:00

"it's a tough world out there.. but, we rule, so it'll all be okay."

thanks Zip.

3 years later, he's 4!

2010-11-21T18:24:00.000-08:00

happy happy happy happy birthday sweet FisherFace.

although we're no longer linked directly to one another, he'll always have a place in my heart and be part of my purpose.

i love and miss this little man.

hope today is great for everyone, especially Fisher O'Brien!

i get by with a little help from my friends

2010-11-21T15:50:00.000-08:00

probably to my dad's dismay, i am infinitely happier when i'm with friends. you see, he is a solitary man: a cowboy, a pilot, a motorcyclist, a horseman, a thinker. it's an attribute i've always respected, revered and been woefully jealous of.

i, to my dismay*, am a social butterfly. although i am not too great with crowds anymore (thanks, PTSD), i do enjoy the company of friends, family and even the occasional frenemy.

this is no revelation. i've always enjoyed company, but, over the past few years, i've lived a life of solitaire and found that it is not my cup of tea. after college, i moved to the little mountain town of Salida, Colorado. the move was strategic to surviving my upcoming life in Africa. i knew that it would be nearly impossible to leave 25+ friends in Austin all at once, so i left Austin early for a baby-step towards the life of a Peace Corps Volunteer - alone and in the wilderness.
there, as you all know, i met a man named Ryan O'Brien and his boy, Fisher O'Brien; those two changed my life, incalculably. i fell in love with them both and believed that my life, before and after Peace Corps, was going to be happy-ever-after there in the banana belt of the Rockies.
in Africa, i was isolated but quickly made friends with a handful of the best people i've ever known. Megan Pilli in particular. we met in Philadelphia, two of the prettiest and calmest people at the staging event, and shared a dinner we'll never forget, cocktails we wish we could remember and, although we probably already forgotten who was with us, we never forgot about that moment when we knew.
we were placed 100s of miles apart in Mali; it took days to arrive for a visit and days to recover from the journey, but it was always worth it. she, too, changed me. my perspective. my heart.
then, in village, i was quick to befriend my my host family and one in particular, Dabi Sidibe. he held my hand, stared at the stars with me, learned to speak with me, learned to eat with me. he woke me up in the mornings and walked about the hills of Africa in the afternoons. we chased goats, got chased by birds and saved each other's lives on more than one occasion. Dabi sparked in me something i hadn't felt before - that animal instinct to be a mother. it is a beautiful, overwhelming feeling. i'll forever be indebted to Dabi and my host family. the beautiful Sidibes of Mourgoula.
after the attack in Africa, i withdrew. from everyone, including myself. trust was difficult, as was an everyday trip to the grocery store. i fell apart and with me fell my engagement, my mind and my life.
at the first chance to leave Salida, after healing from all my medical woes following Peace Corps, i jumped and took off, blindly, for the Pacific Northwest. i live alone, i work alone, i eat, sleep, walk, talk, read, cook, smile, cry, am alone.

i spent the first part of this weekend with a dear friend, Vicki. we met through "work" and since our first encounter, have been tossing wry and witty remarks back and forth, laughing at those we find sufficiently funny and enjoying the company of just another hilarious heroine.
the middle part of the weekend was spent having lunch with Davey and his girlfriend, Kaila. we ate at the most famous clam chowder shop in Seattle and enjoyed the delights of laughter and planning for New Years.

the train was delayed by nearly 2 hours and i couldn't have been less troubled. for the first time in weeks, months even, i felt ok. happy.

i do, truly, get by with a little help from my friends.
thank you for keeping in touch, for keeping me afloat, for keeping me in mind.

this holiday, i hope you know that i am thankful for You.

*i have dramatically feared butterflies since a very early age - the age of toddling about.

flip phones take photos, too

2010-11-21T12:57:00.000-08:00

the blues

2010-11-17T07:13:00.000-08:00

daylight saving stinks. i'm ok with my wake-up hour (5am) being dark. but i am not ok with my quitting time (5pm) being just as dark.

to top it off, my neighbors-across-the-hedge have made this oddity of darkness worse by putting in the most amazing flood light. normally, one would think, oh great light! not this time.
this flood light which happens to be aimed at my bedroom window, illuminates everything: my bedroom, my eyelids, my bed - flooding it with an unnatural, uncomfortably bright blue light.

this blue light permeates everything - standard blinds can't hold it out, so i hung up a sheet, a dark purple sheet, and still it comes through, so then i rigged a comforter... still, blue light comes flooding into my room of slumber (no more).

so not only am i not getting any sunlight but the little light i am exposed to (at all hours of the night) is blue.

perfect. just like me.

that's all

2010-11-16T23:01:00.000-08:00

sometimes, people just happen upon blogs. sometimes, people happen upon blogs that make them want to write and say:

Just a random person, leaving for the Peace Corps in January, who came across your blog tonight. The way you articulate yourself is beautiful. It's tinged with darkness, but remains positive and uplifting. That's all :)

and when i'm depressed, i eat well... in large amounts

2010-11-16T20:47:00.000-08:00

shitake mushrooms, snap peas, onions, water chestnuts, broccoli, garlic, red and yellow peppers, baby corn and carrots, thrown into an un-greased fry pan with three strips of bacon... with cheese, of course.

i'm not illogical, i'm just depressed

2010-11-16T20:42:00.000-08:00

i'm taking steps to get myself back to where i smile just because.

for now, though, i smile at things that make me happy - like Marlowe, my friends, my dog Saul who is in Texas keeping my Dad happy, my photographs, my future, my past.

today was sunny and so was i.

Blame It On Kit'en, Naturally

2010-11-16T14:21:00.000-08:00

i woke up late today and in somewhat dramatic fashion, naturally.

partly due to the warmth of my new flannel sheets (thank you, Aunt Tootsie!) and partly due to the cold of my apartment and partly due to the re-set alarm clock (both thanks to the Olympia-wide power-outage), i rose and shone at 7:50am.

after a few moments of watching my breath and reminiscing of mornings like this with Ryan when he lived in the camper, i put on my slippers and a cashmere sweater Daddy shrunk years ago in the wash and shivered while making my coffee.

after scooping the coffee into the camp percolator, i realized i hadn't seen the kitten yet, so i peaked around in the usual spots: the bath tub - where he obviously thinks that because he can't see out no one else can see in, the closet - all jokes aside, under the couch and atop the bookshelf.

while rummaging around in the living room, i heard him squeak and realized he was underneath my diploma! which was on the floor! along with everything else that was once on my walls in my apartment! gifts, photographs, art and posters! all strewn across various pieces of furniture and floor.

my initial reaction was to blame it all on him - obviously. all 10lbs of shiny, black, precious fluff and might, had in my mind (pre-coffee) jumped 5-6 feet in the air, up the walls and maliciously took down some of my heaviest pieces.

obviously.

after cleaning up this mess of a mess, still in my coffee-less haze, i got ready for work, called in to tell them of the outage and hustled out the door... forgetting my coffee but not forgetting to turn off the stove - thank god.

at around 9am, my insurance agent called and said, "so, are you ok?" prompting an immediate vision of the apartment being on fire and Marlowe leaping from the second story window to sweet freedom - when i said, in a very worried tone, "yes, why?"
he snickered a little and said, "welcome to the Northwest - you survived your first earthquake!"

what a way to start a Tuesday.

waking up to a warm (tiny) body

2010-11-15T06:22:00.000-08:00

Marlowe

Marlowe, the enigmatic, has found just one more way to drive me bonkers and, simultaneously, warm my heart. These sunless mornings, he slips under the covers and snuggles himself, seamlessly, against my back - as I am a side sleeper. The early morning issue is that I'm also a flipper, a kicker and a squirmer. Rarely do I wake up in the same position much less on the same side of the bed, so he is setting me up for murder and himself up for trouble.
Alas, waking up to a warm, tiny, smooth, purring body is a pretty sweet way to rise (with no shine: the sun doesn't come out until 7am here!).

Good morning friends.

i miss my friends

2010-11-13T18:42:00.000-08:00

its in the numbers

2010-11-13T17:36:00.000-08:00

in a matter of one hour and twenty-five minutes (a time span in which i spoke zero words, walked seventeen city blocks and was not listening to my ipod) i had four people, strangers at that, tell me that i was one of the following:

- ugly

- rude

- a jerk

- the meanest

remember, zero words came from my mouth. in that time, i went to the public library where a man, tall, odorous and black, stood smoking a cigarette blowing his exhaust directly at the walkway, told me first that he, "loved me and would like to love me elsewhere." then, since i did not respond (because, honestly, how do you?), he told me i was "f%^&#g ugly and should smile when people talk to me."

nice.

a man being ticketed for what i can only assume was public drunkenness, or something to that affect, told me, not the cop giving him a citation, that i was "a damn rude girl." i crossed between him and the cop, nodding to the police man, implying "excuse me" who said, "sure."

classy.

then, a sad looking, extremely large woman sat on my stoop, smoking, spitting, coughing and drunk. i have never seen her before and hope never to again. i was dropping off my library books to go for a walk and was told, by this whale on my porch, that i "shouldn't be so damn rude, slammin' doors and being a jerk."

alice, who has recently returned from a hospital visit with a better attitude and a little more skip in her step on the stoop, told me, out of the damn blue (which, by the way, is a non-topical point here since the sun apparently never ever ever comes out), that i, sydney schalit, was "the meanest neighbor" ever.

welcome home.

what a day.

picture perfect

2010-11-12T18:09:00.000-08:00

under a red umbrella life is pretty sweet... rose colored indeed

fall colors, winter weather: greetings from Washington.

2010-11-12T07:45:00.000-08:00

there is a better

2010-11-02T22:14:00.000-07:00

i've been having dreams of Ryan, sitting on porches, walking through woods, cooking in an unknown kitchen. i've even dreamt of sleeping beside him - that was the entirety of the dream. sleeping.

i had the infinite pleasure of chatting with him, with Cahill and with my brother today - a good day in any measure. three men who see a good in me that i don't know of. who see a beauty that isn't surface.

there is a better me somewhere in all of this heartache, heartbreak, soul shake. i hope when i find it, become it, evolve to it, there is someone there to love it.

i miss Ryan. i miss my best friend, Ryan. i can't believe that this is where i am, three years later, alone in a cold floored but warm aired apartment, sheltered from the insatiable rains of the pacific northwest, far from my sweet friends and no closer to my self. missing my parents, my happiness, my man.

regret fills me every morning and weighs my stomach down, making the already arduous task of waking up for an unfulfilling day that much more of a struggle. regret. Cahill noted today that without the things we regret, we'd never learn a damn thing. i really hate it when he is right.
sure, i could have just not gotten on that bus in bamako; i could have just been more patient with my medications; i could have handled everything differently; i should have started the painful relationship with Fisher's mother differently and simply gone on with my life, with or without her blessings; i could have embraced my surroundings and enjoyed where i was when i was there; sure. but what else, Cahill so poignantly noted, would i have stubbornly plowed through? where would i be?

there is a better me.

hey fool. have you seen heaven? it's down there, somewhere.

2010-11-01T20:16:00.000-07:00

a day in the awfus

2010-10-21T12:47:00.000-07:00

http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/cat-vs-printer-translated

take silence and respect it:

2010-10-21T08:06:00.000-07:00

take the time to sit, listen and own this.

an uphill battle...worthy nonetheless

2010-10-20T12:04:00.000-07:00

tips from someone currently in the foxhole:

make your bed. always. always. it gives you, first thing, a sense of purpose: tidiness. simple, plain, but effective.
sweat, by choice every single day, especially those days where you're so low you can barely get out of bed. stay in bed, and do situps, or lie on your side and do leg lifts. before you know it, you're stretching and relief will warm you like your sheets.
smile. force it. you'll feel so foolish and stupid, you'll start laughing at yourself. voila! success. (thanks, Daddy)
stay warm. drink tea (i recommend Traditional Medicinals Good Mood - with St. John's Wart with Irish or Earl Grey tea, for the caffeine). eat spicy peppers in everything (cayanne goes great in cereal and hot cocoa, so don't act like spice doesn't go with everything... it does)
sunshine: fake it, take it. tanning beds could possibly be the worst things ever - when they are abused. i go to a tanning bed once a week for 5 minutes... just for the sunshine of it. i also take a huge vitamin D supplement, since i live in a state of cloudiness and mist (Washington).
leave your house. go for a walk, even if just around the block or to the library. always leave your house with at least $5 - covers any bar's cheapest beer or any coffee houses biggest cup of joe.
talk to someone, even if its yourself. verbilizing everything (to choice audiences, you don't want to be blazened with the woeful lable of and "over share'r"), this is where cats, best friends (who have the time to sit and listen... always double check), therapists, dogs, squirrels, paintings, come in handy. try it. once its out - its out and you can continue breathing.
i tune in. music, listen to it, whether you like it or not, just get your brain focused on anything other than whats troubling you. don't know what you want to listen to? try NPR, pandora, deezer for interesting, new, out of your box musicians, noises and tunes.
water your plants. just because, when they bloom, you feel indifference. but when they die - you weep.
sweep (or suck). keep your floors clean, spotless if you can. being barefoot is good for everything in my opinon. and, well, my opinion matters. its also less disgusting when someone comes over, whether its a delivery man, a neighbor or a friend, you don't have to apologize for being a mess.
always, always, get dressed. see above. also, just because.

if you have any tips to share with someone who phases in and out and in and out of this battle zone, please do share them here. thanks and, always, seatbelts.

voir la vie par la rose a coloré des lunettes

2010-10-20T09:52:00.000-07:00

obviously, i need to work (majorly) on my French skills.
obviously.

by Rafael Aristy

all that aside...
sitting at my desk, in my elongated office, decorated with 10 years of Sensaria files, with my brand new heater at my back and my coffee pipping hot and sweetly sugared, my plant shimmering in the window, listening to Louis Armstrong roar about La Vie en Rose, i came to the, albeit cliche and obvious, conclusion: it's all about how you look at it. curve balls are still pitches, you were always up to bat. right?

got smudges?
heartache?

clear you throat, clean your lenses, back up - breathe.
then get back on home plate and quit acting surprised.

2010-10-19T16:05:00.000-07:00

i'll have what they had.

babies, dogs, sand, snow

2010-10-19T16:01:00.000-07:00

i see babies, most of my friends have kids, and i realize how badly i miss Fisher.
i see dogs and think of Saul, of Zoe, of Tuk. i miss those warm, happy, wonderful beings.
i see sand and i think of Dabi, how quickly pulled from that i was. it still catches my breath, makes me dizzy, and breaks my heart a little bit more, knowing that i left. abruptly. without notice. i miss my Host Family.
i see snow atop Mt. Rainier and i miss Ryan. terribly.

a heartache is a terrible thing.
a heart break is the worst.

dashboard delight

2010-10-18T21:58:00.000-07:00

pumpkin seeds, cherry tomato, chive and goat cheese stuffed, roasted hot pepper

keep your chin up

2010-10-18T10:33:00.000-07:00

the sun is out (behind the clouds, rain, mist, layers of ozone, teary blurr, sure. but it's still out).
keep your chin up so you don't miss it.

can karma* kill?

2010-10-18T09:43:00.000-07:00

*referring, of course, to the american (and therefore) terribly misused, misunderstood and exhausted version of the word and not, of course, to its real meaning.

surely, not. right?

time will tell, as will your ability to live in reality. be it that misused misunderstood version or otherwise, i'm curious. terrible things happen, people do terrible things, hearts get broken, murders occur, worse things, too. all too often, genuinely mean people seem to end up on top, justified, vilified.... then they die. do we really feel that they karmicly (just made that word up: nationality verified) deserved it? because if we do, then i'll be damned if logic didn't just get religious.

i've pent up all of this anger, fear and the inevitable stories of the famed, bane of Franklin Street, Alice, only to realize that she has not inflicted me with mean thoughts, actions or deeds for more than 5 days. it has, in fact, been more than 5 days since anyone has seen her, since her disgusting habit has been tossed at my front door or all over the front stoop, leavings its deathly color all over the beautiful little Uhler Haus in which we reside.

i phoned the courteous and kind landlord.

he never answers but always calls back; he too has not seen or heard from her.

nor has her Advocate (don't ask).

it's any ones guess, but, for karmic kicks, maybe:

a) she has quit smoking (chain smoking twice an hour, every hour, day and night) and is effectively doing so by locking herself in her Campbell's soup laden apartment where she rigidly follows only one rule:

no smoking inside.

b) she played a radio game and won a cruise that left that same night

c) we'll find ourselves happy that she does not own a cat.

god, i hope it turns out to be option a or b. i wonder how she'd fare on the sea...?

4 days later...

(update) she's been spotted, smoking, hacking and moving slowly, excited about my "blond ambitions" and seen smiling, donning a hospital admittance wrist band. to be honest, i'm glad she's ok. although i do wish the shock of the hospital would knock the addiction to cigarettes (or at least the will to incessantly smoke them) right out of her. instead, she doubles up on socks and sweatpants and sits in the rain, on my stoop, smoking.

Alice said to me this morning, "I'll tell you this, Sssssydney, I'm a helluva lot warmer than you are! (spit)"

and I replied with a smile.

karma? pfft.

chagrin d'amour

2010-10-17T16:05:00.000-07:00

It’s a pain that sits in your gut, in your chest, in your throat, in your fingertips, on your pillow, in your pizza dough. Heartache, love lost, ships sailed, battles lost with the war still ahead.

It’s a sweetness, it’s an education, it’s a disgrace. It’s knowing that the sunshine is just beyond the clouds. It’s the patience demanded daily, the breathe often forgotten, but remaining.

It'll pass, I know. Someday it'll be a distant pang, brought on by the waking of a dormant memory, that will, instead of bringing tears and echo through the hollow, will bring a smile to my face, a warmth to my heart and hopefully, a phone call to a best friend, a forever love.

But for now, it is a broken heart.

The ache therein. Chagrin d'amour.

waking up to soft pads and suffocation

2010-10-16T10:11:00.000-07:00

this morning, i awoke to the odd feeling of suffocation.

not full on, or severe, or even scary.

just that feeling of, "oh, i can't breathe, it's time to wake up."

that odd feeling was Marlowe, my 4 month old kitten,

pushing his paws against my nostrils.

sweet, creepy and intense,

this kitten never ceases to make me smile.

flashback, throw back, back ache

2010-10-16T09:57:00.000-07:00

red sand stained feet, intensely brushing my teeth. jumping creeks, horseback, as a child. Ryan O'Brien, smiling, beaming, terrified, glorified, disembarking the plane in Bamako, Mali. riding dirt bikes with Skylar Schalit hillside in south Texas.

laughing at the one penguin spotted while on the southernmost beaches of New Zealand with Joe Houchins. porch talks, swatting mosquitos, swigging Lone Stars with Andrew Vickers, Patrick Dentler, Stew Jarmon, Jenny Gilbert and Zac Dunman.

bicycling through traffic in 3inch heels downtown Austin... laughing, hysterically, with Bob and Mohanta Schalit in Salida, watching a fire tease Tenderfoot Mountain.

carrying Dabi Sidibe on my shoulders, walking down the red dirt road, towards family, distress and dinner.

holding Ryan's hand, December 12, 2007, thigh deep in snow, Turret, CO., admiring the meteor shower.

riding in the red truck with Bob Biglow to the San Luis Valley to work, Zoe in the truck bed, enjoying.

laying with Zoe and Saul, both giving in to and overcoming a post Peace Corps anxiety attack. baby-signing with Fisher in the DownTown Bakery while Ryan fills up our coffee cups. toting water, atop my head, to Wurdia's water pail. running through the forrest with Skylar and Decoy, Spike following at a slower distance. Christmas morning in the log cabin house in Conifer, warm, delightful, lovely.

Aliceberg

2010-10-12T12:59:00.000-07:00

sure, she may have danced on Broadway in the 1930s.
sure, she may have been accidentally transported, cross-country, on a train filled with goats and sheep, only to be dumped south of Seattle, inexplicably.
sure, she may have cancer growing off the tip of her nose that she may not even know about - although it could be from her performing days. a prosthetic maybe... doubtful.
sure, she puts away as many cigarettes in a day as can muster.
sure, her apartment's furniture is all propped up, unevenly, on (empty? full?) cans of Campbell's soup. thousands of them.
sure.
sure, it could all be filthy, freaky lies, the lies of someone whose antics left her abandoned at an early age, forced her to the streets and to the street's life, to hostility and subversion.
sure.

but still, she doesn't get to act this way... right?

let me start over: her name is Alice. she is old. like, late 70s-80s. she was once homeless. she is schizophrenic - or severely moody. she runs 16 yearolds off the property, threatening to hang them. she hisses at adults. spits at stoop-sitters. she laughs at squirrels that get run over in the road. she curses more before 7am than any other time of the day. she is my neighbor, Alice.

once, i was going out of town for the weekend and had vegetables in the fridge i knew would rot over the weekend. seeing as how it was my first week in the house, i offered them to her. she accepted, graciously... until she didn't. before i knew it, walking down the street, feeling gleeful and giddy, knowing that those are probably the freshest vegetables she'll have consumed in years, feeling as though i had done a good, truly neighborly thing, i sense a little wisp of air fly past my ear, fluttering what little hair i had.
then, suddenly and with unexpected audibility, *splat*. a tomato, red and ripe, landed 3 feet in front of me.
i turn around, there is Alice, cursing me from the 20 feet i've walked since handing her this gift of neighborly goodwill.

tip of the iceberg, i tell you.
tip of the Aliceberg. perfect name.

truly a beast, something that would take down a positively pleasant conversation with as much disdain as the Titanic herself, multi-layered, deep or positively hollow, made up of ice cold nothing/everything.

2010-10-11T09:41:00.000-07:00

enjoy the sunshine... even if it is liquid.

Orchestra to the Rescue

2010-09-27T10:47:00.000-07:00

of course it was raining. obviously.

walking back from the grocery store, letting the misty hydration slowly soak my hair. allowing the unnecessary sweat that comes from wearing a raincoat to be delicately washed away. feeling the tears well, compounded by the misty-eyed rain.

my grocery bag, eggs, milk, spinach, carrots, soaking.
its cloth, which is debatable in this climate...

walking up Franklin street, straining to squelch my frown. trying to keep my forehead from wrinkling... that's what i do when my heart is aching. i try to dumb the emotions down to vanity.
it works.
often. in Africa i worked specifically on my flexibility and posture.
here, in the pacific northwest, i try to maintain a wrinkle free forehead. wrinkles come with thoughts of sadness. thoughts of failure. thoughts of loss.

we tried so hard, we made it through so much. and now we are without.

walking, sensitive to the elements, the fundamental emotion of being the possessor of a broken heart, of a wounded spirit, begging for that glimmer of hope to return... or at least let me know its just napping.

suddenly, the sweet, cool vapors of misty rain mixed, collaborating with the muffling sound of the mist, with tears, was overpowered by, an odor of heat, of wet, of thick and powerful.

oh shit.

i looked down and barely half an inch from my right foot sits, steaming and bright, glistening and gooey, a pile of shit. fresh. hot. truly vaporous. vengeful. disgusting.
i look uphill to see that some unknowing cyclist tracked it all the way up the block.
disgusting. i, instinctively, stop crying because the inhale is making me nauseous.
i speed along, somewhat on the hunt for a dog owner that would be verbally lashed by yours truly, only to have my rage, my ache, my sadness, my loneliness, be thwarted.
by sound.

the odor, still lingering and fighting for my attention and still winning, was soon to be defeated by the glorious, floating, dancing sounds of strings, of applause, of silence and again, of song.

i stumbled, lucky to be sans shit-stain, upon a concert.
the Student Orchestras of Greater Olympia pulled me, pushed me, lifted me from a nasty funk.
with the symphonic sounds escaping the cracked doors of the Baptist Church on Franklin, a smile crept across my face.

and stayed.

of course it was raining. obviously. but even the mist couldn't quiet the sounds of sweetness.

2010-09-16T14:03:00.000-07:00

this video is tragic and beautiful.
enjoy it as you see fit.

if you haven't already

2010-09-12T11:59:00.000-07:00

Mary and Max :if you haven't already seen this remarkable movie, do so as soon as possible. It is a great fall show, one to help seasonal nesters nest and one worth snuggling-in and enjoying. Drink tea or sherry with this ditty and enjoy the art, the poignancy, the beauty and the love. Its remarkably sweet. Beautifully done. Happiness in clay form.

just under three years ago

2010-09-12T09:07:00.001-07:00

my opinion of spring snow storms
Originally uploaded by syd.syd

Fisher was one. He is almost four. This still amazes me.

That Sweet Face

2010-09-12T09:02:00.001-07:00

Zoe
Originally uploaded by syd.syd

For the most part, my dreams are terrors.
Night terrors have been haunting me lately, which is why, I believe, I've got the flu bug.
However, today, for the first time in 2 weeks, I'm wide awake. Up and at'em. Feeling alive again. And its all thanks to Zoe, rest in peace, for taking over my dreams last night. My dreams were of Zoe walking, Zoe in her wheels, Zoe dying, Zoe smiling, Zoe's sweetness, Zoe's curative mannerisms, Zoe knowing when I needed to be touched and knowing when I couldn't handle it.
Thank You, Zoe, for being a best friend, even in the afterlife.

when you're down and out, don't get busted, get baking

2010-09-11T11:19:00.000-07:00

when i'm feeling low, or my temperature is high, i tend to turn to food. lucky for me, my parents instilled in me a healthful knowledge of food. i don't turned to snack foods, although i am a sucker for doritos and a dr. pepper... but generally, i turn to cooking, namely baking.

making something delightful from scraps, mixing the recipe's request with my own supplies and seeing how it turns out.

today i have a fever and the flu, i'm missing my parents (who are also under the weather) and my boyfriend, Ryan. i'm missing that sense of warmth that those people give me, that sense of wholeness that if oft lost on the phone.
anyway, i' missing those wee moments, more often than not, lost amongst the entirety of a situation, and am making wee pies.

wee pies came to fruition because of my adoration for cupcakes, their size and composition, because the Olympia Farmers Market has an amazing selection of berries, and, well, just because they are precious and delicious.

here is the recipe, i hope you enjoy:

Wee.Pies with no-roll pie crust recipe:
1 c whole wheat flour
1/2 c rolled oats,
1/4 c sugar,
1/2 c (liquid @ room temperature) coconut oil,
1/4 c cold water,
1/8 c milk,
dash of salt;
combine all dry ingredients, using a fork blend mixture and form small dip in the middle; there, in the dip, add the wet ingredients and blend mixture using the fork.
once thoroughly blended, press into greased dozen-cupcake pan.

Wee.Pies filling recipe:
3 c any mixture of fresh berries,
1/4 c of water,
1/2 c honey or sugar (or both!),
one chocolate bar - divided;
in a saucepan, boil water and sweetness, adding berries and lowering the heat to "cook down"; place 1/4 inch divisions of the chocolate bar to each pie crust; before the berries have all popped, use a slatted or small spoon to drain them of the juice and fill each pie crust; (tip: save juice from the boiled-berries in sealed container for cocktails or smoothies later, keep in fridge); bake at 400F for about 14 minutes!

voila!

if things had gone as planned (written august 8th, 2010)

2010-08-30T16:30:00.000-07:00

if things had gone as planned with the Peace Corps, with my life in Mali, with my life in general, i'd just be coming home... thats weighing heavily on me these days. i miss Dabi, i miss the simplicity, i miss the effort and the rewards. today, i'm a copywriter in Washington, this time last year i was a girl struggling to sleep and eat, and this time the year before last, i was off on a big fantastic adventure in West Africa.
these last three years have been the biggest. the biggest changes. the biggest happiness. the biggest sadness. the biggest hurt. the biggest love. the biggest disappointments. the biggest achievements. the biggest desert. the biggest mountains. the biggest medical problems. the biggest mental problems.
i've over come, bypassed and returned to these "biggest"s and find myself in a grey state of mind. the good doesn't seem to be outweighing the bad, nor the other way around. the sunshine isn't coming through the clouds but the clouds aren't so bad. i feel as though i'm in a state of limbo and i, like the catholics, have a strong distaste for this position. that is probably the only time, ever, that i'll equate myself to a catholic. weird.

do things ever go as we plan? why do we even plan if we know, really and truly, that its going to unfold and from there its going to get even more complicated and then eventually its all going to circle back and you'll be sitting in a cafe somewhere and you'll smell something that someone else thinks is disgusting and they'll leave the table in a flurry to dry heave and you'll be off in your memory-world, happy, and take another sip of your coffee.

if things had gone as i had planned, i probably wouldn't be the person i am today. and depending on how much you like my personality, is either a grave or grand scenario. either way, its different and that makes me wonder... what will my current life look like to my next life? i don't mean afterlife, i mean, how will these next 2 years effect my being? yeesh, too much to think of for sunday morning.

a good move

2010-08-13T10:16:00.000-07:00

this is a rather random move for me on this blog, and i apologize for disappearing for a while and then reappearing with an offbeat post but this is a good move, for anyone, at work or home or Mali.

in retrospect

2010-06-30T18:48:00.002-07:00

just a few months ago, i couldn't go into a grocery store without having a panic attack. the only being i wanted to be with was my handicapped dog. i cried until i couldn't breathe and ate like a sick bird. my chest was on fire, my hands were shaky, my vision blurred, my hope lost. a number of jobs in salida were offered and in the same breath dissolved. the weather wouldn't pull through. the light seemed all too distant in the tunnel. the love of my life was gone, his son too, and one of the main reasons we split became louder. all in all, i had a very bleak outlook on life.

today, i'm gainfully employed, using a craft i never thought i'd be lucky enough to execute on a daily basis in a part of the country that frees me daily from my persistent night terrors with sea life, mountains, new accents, speciality foods and happy co-workers. my broken heart is mended, thanks to those who supported me through the darkest time of my life and the sliver of hope i had that Ryan and i would find one another again. that sliver of hope is alive, well and growing daily. i have my health back, too, which has brought back my appetite, both for food and for fun.

life has a way of coming full circle. i don't understand it and i doubt i ever will, but i do know now that friends, relationships, loves, family, those are the things we should focus on. the weather will always change. mean people will always be mean people. but the ones that make you smile, comfort you to sleepiness just with the sound of their voice, who get excited with you, support your journey and maintain your path as well as they can, they should never, ever, be taken for granted.

if you love someone, speak up. its the greatest thing to say and the greatest thing to hear. from your parents, your friends, your significant others. its everything and its beautiful.

mama and daddy, skylar, mike and gloria, janna, kimberly, lauren, patrick, patrick, vickers, brett, ryan, fisher, stephanie, bob, heidi, ginny, tootsie, kristen, morgan, elizabeth, mimi, pilli, brandon, lorig, todd, jon, daniel, kelli, kathie, joel...
thank you. thank you. thank you.

if this is the Worm consider me an Early Bird

2010-06-30T09:44:00.002-07:00

IMG_2109
Originally uploaded by syd.syd

2010-06-28T06:55:00.002-07:00

Here's hoping that your Monday can in no way be represented by this photograph...

This week is a big one here in Olympia, WA; supposedly, this is the week that summer actually starts in the Pacific Northwest. I don't buy it, though, mostly because I just watched the local weather and the highs this week are, at best, mid 60s. I'm not complaining, but I will be come this weekend if this keeps up. Friends from college are wedding this weekend in Denver, so I'll go there to get my sun fix, I suppose. Yet another perk to Jonas and Brittany's wedding is that Ryan O'Brien is coming to escort me and meet my friends! He is well suited and will be a lovely addition to an already fantastic July 4th weekend.
This week also marks the two week countdown to Sensaria's biggest event of the year coming up and, as the company's copy writer, I've got my hands full. Its intimidating, exciting, telling and on the very near horizon. Mostly I'm writing speeches and infomercial-type seminars and I'm really excited about it. So far, my work has been well received and quite quickly I went from having a grey-area title to Copy Writer in two weeks. Thats a good start and now I just need to try and maintain the momentum as well as possible.

I found a fantastically quaint and lovely apartment in downtown Olympia and move in there next weekend! I'm looking forward to the liberty that your own space allows you; freedom of taste, timing and space. Its going to be a good week, I can just feel it.

Now, and quite honestly, I do hope that your day goes better than that bright red and poignantly deflated man-o-war's. Do your best to stay afloat! Happy Monday!

its the little things

2010-06-26T15:19:00.001-07:00

Fantastic Moss
Originally uploaded by syd.syd

this piece of wood is smaller than my pinkie finger, the moss growing on it is smaller than the amount of polish it would take to paint my pinkie fingernail.

there is so much beauty in, on and around this tiny little thing.

how to: Stay Awake and Alert at Work When You're Used to Napping Daily

2010-06-18T14:37:00.004-07:00

coffee giving your tummy some trouble? are your eyes dropping at the same rate as your spirits? does 3o'clock usually alarm you to the fact that you're nap is overdue?
here are some helpful tips and suggestions for staying awake at the office (from a nap taker extraordinaire who now has an 8-5 and, consequentially, has to not only stay awake but perky and alert):

1) for every cup of coffee you drink, drink a cold cup of water
- the cold water seems to wake your eyes they way the coffee wakes your brain
- its refreshing and gives your whites a bit of a preclean so that, maybe, you won't have to whiten so much later on
- because coffee is a diuretic, it can help in balancing out your system, adding clear, clean water to a system that is being
quickly flushed out will replenish the expelled fluids and hydrate your body and, hopefully, mind.

2) ginger (not the snap)
- a piece of candied, raw or dried ginger will spice up your life, recruiting your memory to buzz and encourage you to drink
more water
- a natural alarm
- its just good measure to ease your tummy when stressed and ginger is a fantastic tool in doing so

3) wasabi'd peas
- the spice will wake up your eyes and nose and not necessarily in that order
- the kick will also prompt you to drink more of that fantastically necessary, hard to find time for, waker-upper: water

4) chocolate milk
- vitamin D, calcium, protein and just enough sugars to perk your butt up so your butt doesn't have to get up, get coffee and
cream and sugar and blow the whole afternoon with jitters

5) le pamplemousse
- taking half of a grapefruit to work not only gives you a healthy snack, chock full of vitamin c and bs it also, and lets be
honest here, allows you to avert your attention for a moment. taking your attention away from your screen, like to gut
individual slices of a halved grapefruit, can reboot your brain a bit and help you take a fresh look at a normal screen.
- the vitamin content in a half a grapefruit will, undoubtedly, blow your mind
- also, they smell amazing, fresh and bright.

how to: find your way around the E.R.

2010-06-12T10:06:00.005-07:00

well well well, i guess my time had come. i've been a (proud) commuter cyclist for 8 years now. riding from job to job to school to job to party to home to farmers market to movie to job to job to work to school to home for long enough to know that one's luck can only last so long. being a defensive cyclist has always been something i prided myself in; but being defensive and proactive are not one in the same.
friday while (albeit foolishly) biking on hwy 101 (don't let the name fool you, its not unlike fm 1456 in Bellville, lamar blvd in Austin or hwy 291 in Salida, two lanes, good condition, but with heavier traffic than you'd expect) i was pushed by the breeze-backlash of a semitruck off the road, catching my front tire on the dip between asphalt and gravel and came crashing down, hard and seemingly only, on the left side of the top of my head. i jumped up, moved off the road, touched my head to find no blood (thank God, praise Allah, etc) but did discover a tennis ball sized bump that was not only sore to the touch but became more sore when i wasn't holding it. i immediately called Jenny Bracht, a girl who is also recently moved here to work for Sensaria and who i had only just seen 27 minutes earlier. she came quickly to whisk me off to the ER, busted bicycle in tow. we went to the hospital, got the cat scans and xrays, had an all around good experience there, and headed home to rest about 2 hours later.
with a concussion, the old news is "no sleeping" but the new news is "no tv, more sleep, pills pills pills and ice." personally, i like the old ideas better but went ahead and fused the two bodies of thought into this: sleep, ice, pills, npr podcasts and very little computer time. so far its working. i'd like to say that i can blame the intense soreness on my fused rx but doubt that that would fly with anyone who knows the situation.
to jump ahead of you all and answer the obvious questions: yes, i'm going to buy and religiously wear a helmet from this day forth; no, i'm not scared off my bike although i do intend on plotting my routes a little differently from now on; and yes, someone is here keeping an eye on me. Jenny has been splendidly sweet, as have the neighbors who have brought me fresh cut roses from their gardens and buzzed the doorbell to keep me alert. and Ryan, of course, precious Ryan has been checking in and checking up on whats good in life, including testing my common knowledge of day to day life.

whats funny, and i do mean laughable, about this whole situation is that not only was i, while biking, thinking of how lucky i am: to have the family, the friends, the good fortune to have gone through what i did and come out on top, to have a job - nay, a career - ready and willing to mold and be molded, to have left Salida with peace in my heart and to have arrived in Washington with love in my life, to know my parents and brother, Skylar, with the entirety that i do and to be known by them so well. just before my crash i realized that Ryan is taking active steps to ensure his health, his well being, Fishers health, my happiness (for one, he is mid-stride in his campaign to be a non-smoking single dad) and now its time that i do the same.
step one: helmet. step two: public transportation to shorten the commute. step three: sleep sleep water water. step four: acknowledge the lovely life that i've had, the good and the bad and the terribly ugly. step five: let the crazies be crazy and if it just so happens that they wish to release their craziness on your voicemail then just delete it and move onwards and upwards, leaving their crazy, nonsensical, pathological craziness behind. step six: let those who you love dearly know it, every chance you get. step seven: relax.

anywho, the top-hat bump on the noggin is subsiding, the dizziness is stabilizing and the smile has yet to fade.

Old Folks Say It Best: Tips for Staying Sunny in the Pacific Northwest

2010-06-10T15:46:00.005-07:00

1) Whiten Your Teeth
with the great and astounding abundance of good red wines, great coffee and coffee shops, dark beers and beets beets beets, a good thing to remember is: brush brush brush... then whiten.
2) Add Some Color to That Quinoa
the almost grossly glorious are the greens, yellows and varieties of reds one can find at their local supermarche as well as at the famously fantastic Farmers' Market in downtown Olympia.
3) Rise and Shine, Skip the Worm
waking up early in this glorious state of Washington affords you much more than extra sunshine: it gives you a valid excuse to drink fantastic coffee All Day Long, a reason to walk the dogs in the mist and start both of your days off with the right foot soaked and the left brain smiling, it allows you to watch as seals swim past on their daily route to the schools awaiting the chase and, most importantly, you get to watch as swallows dive and play and toussel one another in loving reaches and teasing swooshes.
4) Adages Add Up
its important, when living in such lush greens and heavy greys and dark deep blues, to remember that it is solely your responsibility to keep your chin up, even if its consequently dripping rain all down your shirt. with those heavy, rain laden clouds, comes the duty to smile that (bright white, see above) smile and remember to look past the torrential downpour that is upon you and look to the silver lining ; to remember that very shortly after you've decided to take in the lush beauty, and accept that nature is nature and will undoubtedly rain whether you like it or not, that the rainbows, those glorious, goodness-inspiring, warmth-proving rays of life are going to be in your face and no matter how dreary the day was or how dreary you are being, those belts of joy will reach you, dry you off and stretch that smile right across those pearly whites of yours.

I feel like myself again, happy, free, capable, in love, with Ryan, with life, with everything. Its good to be back and be a stranger not to myself, my friends or my family, but to a whole new society, a new type, a new neighborhood. Because, as many of you know, I'm only a stranger for a short period of time. Before you know it, I'll be hosting neighborhood parties, serving bowls at the food bank and making friends with bus drivers.

Away we go!